Day 19- Date Night at the Redneck Kroger

Being on a cleanse doesn't fare well for fine cuisine and adult beverages- especially on a Friday night.  Fred and I have always made sure that Friday night is date night for us.  Well, tonight we did it, but man it was sure quite the extreme.  I always know when we are going swanky or going for bar food.  Both of us dressed in shorts and ball caps is what I call a casual date night.  We ended up at After The Game for healthy food options and non alcoholic beverages. (Boring).  So, I thought I would spice up the night.  "Let's go to the grocery store!!".  That to Fred means, he would rather pull his toenails off one by one than go to the grocery store with me.  I LOVE to go grocery store shopping!  With coupons and my recycle grocery bags in hand I am ready to conquer the redneck Kroger.  First off, Fred says, "10 minutes, tops- that's all you get."  Are you kidding me?  But, this is a double-edged sword going to the store with Fred.  He always rushes me and every time I forget something.  But to accommodate the impatient shopper, I rocked it around the store and got everything on my list.  So we pull up to the checkout area and they are all slammed.  On a FRIDAY?  Seriously?  Wow.  Other people also think the grocery store is a great place for date night.  :)  So we go to the far end, where I see a cart with groceries in it, but no one is around the cart.  So I walk up to it and a man comes my way.  "Is this your cart sir?".  Nope.  Ok.  So, hey, in my world, a cart with no body does not count for a place holder in line at checkout.   So I start to push it out of the way and I'm waving Fred to come my way.  (He has stayed back with the cart, because he knows something is about to go down.)  So, I have pushed the cart out of the way and I hear Fred "here she comes."  OK.  NOW I AM GETTING PISSED.  Where in the rules of grocery shopping 101 can you leave a cart in line unattended and block those behind you from checking out? Well, she shows up with a box of caprisun.  Really?  That's what you forgot?  Well move your ass and your cart because I am checking out.  She gives me the stink eye.  Again, really?  You want to throw down right here?  I can tell Fred is getting anxious so he says in his Fredly voice that I can only hear (it's like a dog call)- "ease down greyhound and let her go."   I saw the fright come in to her eyes.  I was staring down that crusty old bat.  I could have taken her and her Farrah Fawcett feathered hair.  Poor thing.  Ok, go ahead and plop your big ass Reuinte bottle of chardonnay (lucky bitch- at least she can drink) and your case of cigarettes along with your CAPRISUN that you forgot.  I think she felt me staring her down because I was.  So her groceries starting flying on to the conveyor belt.  That's right skank-a-saurus keep moving and get the hell out of my checkout lane.  Poor Fred.   He's just looking at me.  Hey, I can't help it...I'm competitive at everything.  

We finally get to checkout and we have the bags in the trunk.  Since it's still technically date night, I throw one more curve at Fred.  "Now let's go to Bed, Bath and Beyond!".   Ooooh...I got the eye roll and the "are you f-in kidding me?" Nope, Mr. Fred, now get your cute little ass in the car and let's go to BB & B.  Let's just say I went in to the store by myself while someone listened to the radio.  :)  Not the way I wanted date night to end, but the night is still young.  I guess I will let him watch the hockey playoffs on TV.  I'm such a good wife.  :)

Hope you all have a great date night and weekend!! :)  It's Harley riding time tomorrow!!

Days #16 and 17- Ole'- Oh My!

Well, I guess I am going to stay in Spanish mode.  You know what I hate just about as much as clowns?  Mariachi bands!  So, you know I am down in the dumps because our favorite Mexican restaurant closed its doors last week- well, one door closes and another opens.  Yes, a new Mexican restaurant, Fonterra, opened this weekend.  It was so crazy busy this weekend, that we decided to try it out tonight.  It was very delish and I think we will be just fine with Correlejo closing. We got to know our waiter, Randolo very well too.  But...something to consider:

#1 Don't go on Wednesday if you don't like Mariachi bands.  Damn.  I wanted to go hide in a corner.  You know you see them scouring the restaurant looking for suckers that will either tip them, or they have kids and they know they will tip em, just to shut their kids up.  Well, sure as shit, we were stuck between two family tables, so we had the "pleasure" of listening to them up close and personal.  So, then you start digging in your wallet for dollar bills and it's like they smell them.  Or...they play some chord in the song that is code for "ALERT!  Tan blonde pulling out dollar bills- QUICK!".  Crap.  So yes, the song ended and I stuff the dollar bills in the body of the guitar that has the sign "Tips" on his guitar.  Classy.  Now please, go away.  NOPE.  He turns to me and says, "Senorita, what do you want to hear?".  Well, what I want to say is, "I want to hear your little footsteps moving the hell way from my booth", but I am now embarrassed because the whole damn restaurant is looking at me like "wonder what song she is going to request"?   Hell, it's not like I have a Mariachi Band Song List in my purse.  So the fiddler man must have saw me floundering- he yells- "HOW BOUT SOMETHING ROMANTIC?".  God OK.  Sure. Just start playing and move your sweaty asses down to the next seating area.  So they start playing- it's a nice song- and then the lead singer says, "SMOOCH YOUR SWEETIE".  WTF?  Look, it's enough that you all have our booth surrounded- but now you want me to lean over my fajitas and kiss Fred?  I admit, I am OK with PDA- but Fred is turning as red as my red peppers.  So we air kiss.  Whew! Dodged that bullet. NOPE.  Then that smart ass, little singer man yells "ALL THE WAY!"  WHAT?  Come on!  So I as I stretch over the table, my legs are stuck to the plastic booth seat so it makes a fart sound as I get up (great)- and all the little kids start laughing and I heard one say, "SHE TOOTED".   Great.  Now we are THE center of attention with a kiss and a fake plastic fart, provided by my sweaty legs.  LORD GET ME OUT OF HERE.    Ultimate embarrassment.  THEN, THEN, they wouldn't leave.  THEY WANTED MORE MONEY!!  Oh HELL NO!  They got a round of applause and we paid our check and got the heck out there.  Note to self- we won't go to Fonterra on Wednesday any more.

#2  Don't go to Fonterra when on a cleanse.  I so wanted to slam a beer after that episode.  Nope.  I stood firm.  No booze for seven more days.  Plus, their sopapillas looked DELISH.

That's all for this evening- believe me- more than enough excitement for a Wednesday night.  Fahrenbruch- out.  :)

Day 13, 14 and 15- I Caved x 2- Que?

Yes, I caved.  This weekend I was supposed to go no food and all shakes.  It just didn't happen.  But, I am ok with it.  I didn't go crazy and drive thru Riverside Pizza and and eat a large cheese pizza (oh man, does that sound good!).  No, I had a shrimp salad on Saturday night and last night I had a curry mushroom broth based soup with a small salad.  So there!  I'm human.  But the funny thing...I still lost a pound!  So down 7 lbs.  Holla!  But the funny thing is, someone else caved and he got busted- Mr. Fred.  Now, Fredly is being the supportive hubby during this cleanse.  He's eating the healthy no carb meals, just not doing the shakes.  He's also eating hershey kisses during the day.  Yes, chocolate!  I was packing his lunch Saturday morning and when I opened his cooler.  There they were- this huge, bag of hershey kisses looking up at me.  I think one was saying, "come on cleanse lady, I know you want one- do it! I dare you."  So when I confronted Mr. Fred, he had this shit eat grin on his face. Yep, busted.  But hey, it's ok; it's not like I am making him do this.  Plus, he's lost 5 lbs in two weeks, so shout out for Fred. 

I really tried to keep myself busy, because it's no task just to eat one meal either.  Saturday, I went for a run and man it felt great!  But...and I am sure this has happened to someone; I pushed play on my iPod and there it was- THE RED LIGHT!  NOoooooooo!  How am I going to make it through this workout? Oh please, please, please...I need music.  It's quite comical when you are jammin to G n R and it's "Welcome to the Jungle- BATTERY LOW, we got fun and games". This happened during each of the 8-10 songs I ran to, but the battery made it.  Whew!!

Next up, my budster Cindi (with an "i") has been begging me to go to live theatre with her.  We have a really good (so I hear- and now experiencing it, yes they do) local theatre in Lawrenceville.  For two years, she has been trying to get me to go to the theatre with her, but I just wouldn't go. The reason is I was traumatized during my first marriage (in more ways than one...LOL) by being dragged to the opera, Carmen.  OMG!  That was the worst thing I have ever sat through.  I actually left at intermission....alone. (Hmmmm, no wonder the marriage didn't last long- I couldn't even make it through an opera with him- HA!) Anyway, I would rather sit and listen to Fleetwood Mac's Greatest Hits on repeat for 4 hours, strapped in a lawn chair with mosquitos biting at my legs than go to any live theatrical production.  But I caved. I CAVED- this is twice this weekend. This time, for my friend who needed a date for girls night out.  Why night, right?  What could be so bad?  WELL, I WILL TELL YOU- IT WAS IN SPANISH!!!!  Oh my lord!!!  Maybe the title, Miss Pina Colada,  was a hint.  But I was a trooper and made it through the whole comedy.  It was a cute play, and they did have subtitles, but they were up on a big screen and to the left of the production.  My neck still has a frickin crink in it!  And...the other funny piece- those that were Spanish speaking (I should have been tipped off by who was in the audience) or bilingual, were laughing, but I had to wait for the subtitle to flash on the screen, so if I wanted to laugh, it was too late.  Oh well.  But we did laugh about it.  She even bet her daughter (who knew that I didn't care for live theatre) that I would either love it or hate it.  Let's just say I had a great time spending time with my bud.   ;)

Any whoo, 13 more days to go!!!  And today I was back to one shake a day and FOOD.  I am a very happy girl.    Later!

Day 12- Busted

I think my neighbors saw me naked. No, not drunk neighbor guy on the other side. My cool, wonderful neighbors next door. God, I hope not. That's what I get for hopping in the hot tub last night unclothed. See, since I was diagnosed with Sjogrens, I convinced Fredly that I needed a hot tub to help with my joint flares. So last summer, we added a hot tub to the backyard extravaganza and it has really helped with my joints and muscles. Plus, it helps me sleep. Anyway, back to the exhibition episode. So normally around dusk (or thereafter), I venture out to sit in the hot tub and relax to the stars above me and the bubbles below me. In the summer, I wear a swim suit. But in the winter, you don't want anything clinging to you when it's cold, so I derobe and jump in the hot tub. Sometimes, I would wear a stocking hat, if that counts as clothing. :) Now, I did a test the other day. When I was house sitting for the neighbors Easter weekend, I yelled at Fred in the backyard. "FRED! FRED!". He was watching the Masters and I think I scared the hell out of him. "WHAT?". It was like two old deaf people yelling at each other. "HEY, STAND ON THE STEPS OF THE HOT TUB- I WANNA SEE IF YOU CAN SEE BODY PARTS FROM OVER HERE". So Fred stood on the step. Damn! From the waist down, you couldn't see anything. Great for a Dude- bad for a chick. Now, you have to be looking over our fence at the right time to catch a glimpse, so I figured, I would risk it. So last night, as I normally do, I derobed and jumped quickly in the hot tub. But then, THEN....I saw smoke. Then I smelled beef. GREAT. Yes, my first thought was "thanks a lot...I'm on a cleanse over here and you're killing me." But that quickly went to "OH SHIT!" They are in the backyard grilling! And if I can see their grill from my backyard....o crap, o crap, o crap. Well, if they got a glimpse, they got a glimpse. But....I was in that hot tub until they finished grilling. I was stuck. But...it got worse. Their garage is also along our backyard fence. A light goes on in their garage (and their window faces our backyard). ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? I'm going to be spending the night out here!!!! So what felt like 4 hours, the light in the garage went off and I heard the grill lid close. Now, do I chance getting out the usual way, ass to their yard? Nope. I was freaked out. I crawled over the side of the hot tub towards the center of our backyard. Now that is a hard task to do, especially when the swimming pool is there. I almost took an unwanted dip in the pool. That would have been funny- and cold as hell. But my cat-like reflexes kept me on the pool deck. I crawled on my hands to my robe that was on a pool chair. Whew! I made it. Now those of you that know where I live, I am not charging admission, so don't even think about popping over to see Melissa the white-assed hot tubber. I have learned my lesson- I think. ;) Happy Weekend Y'all! Enjoy eating food. Don't text me pics of food while I am drinking my meals until Sunday. Let the fun begin!

Day 11- ARRHENGERONSCOPHOBIA

Ok. I admit. My blog last night sucked dong. I was in a dark place, wanting food. It's amazing the way your mind screws with you. But, I jumped on the scale this morning and it' all worth it. Down another 2.5 lbs for a total of six pounds lost!! Yay!!! Plus I switched up when I eat my one meal and moved it to lunchtime. I went to where else for lunch? Mediterranean Bakery. Hot dang! I'm lovin life. So when the closing time whistle blew at CDC, (they really don't have one...but I wish they did)I hopped in the Beemer and zoom a zoom zoom I went. I don't if the nice weather brings these crazies out, but there were 4 sign guys in a 4 mile radius! First I approach a dude that looked so down on his luck. I would be like that too if someone put me in an ANGRY BIRDS suit!!! He was promoting a jumping gym for kiddie parties. My, oh my...that poor man. There was no sign spinning for this guy. Then I go no crap, 1/4 mile and there is a fat man with a sandwich board trying to sell me a mattress. I just have no words for this sorry sap. I hope they are paying you good money. But how in the hell did he get in the sandwich board in the first place? Better yet, how's he gonna get out? Now, he was lovin life, twirling a towel and singing. Maybe he escaped from Green Acres. The next one was a classic. It was a high school kid sitting in a lawn chair holding the sign for Verizon Wireless. Genius. Then low and behold, heading down 78, what do I see approaching the 124 Hwy intersection? OLD MAN SIGN SPINNER!!! I am so pissed I didn't get my phone out to snap a photo of him. He was in classic form today: He had on his signature cowboy hat, but then it was a new outfit- red flannel shirt, his standard freaky red rubber gloves and THEN....THEN...RED BIB SKI PANTS!!!!!! Are you for real? I can't believe no one has caused an accident b/c I almost had one. I had to look away because he was freaking me out so bad. And it was like he tried to make eye contact with me. HE WAS WAVING ME IN TO THE TIRE STORE. No way in HELL I was turning in there. You know I have Coulrophobia- fear of clowns. Well, I am afraid now that I am becoming fearful of old crusty, dancing old men. I was literally freaked out. So, when I got home, I googled if there was a phobia of old men. Sure as shit there is! (kinda)- but I am going to coin a new word, so here goes: The fear of old people is called gerontophobia and the fear of growing old is called gerascophobia. Arrhenphobia is the fear of men. So what do you get? ARRHENGERONSCOPHOBIA. BAM! Suck it old man! I sure wish the old folks bus would pick him up and take him back to the home where he belongs. But you know what the freaky thing is? I called Fred on his way home to take a picture of old man sign spinner. Guess what? HE WASN'T THERE!!! This makes it even more freaky!! Is he only there when I drive home? Does he know my schedule? Old lord..this is too much!! Tomorrow, I am driving down there and taking a picture of this crusty ski pant wearing crazy. If I have a dream about him tonight, it make take me over the edge. I gotta go to Zumba and sweat this vision out of my head. Later friends!!

Day 10- They come in 3's

Dick Clark, RIP. My idol, Pat Summit steps down as the Tennessee's Women's hoops coach and our favorite restaurant in Grayson, Correlejo, shut their doors. Holy crap balls what a day!!

Maybe it's because it's hump day. Maybe it's because I am starving. But this day has just been a drag. I want to go eat a Big Mac, fries and wash it down with a Dr. Pepper, but Nooooooo. I'm on this frickin cleanse. Four shakes....at least I get to eat a meal tonight. Also, my sense of smell is off the chain. This morning when I came into work, someone had sprayed a scented mist of orange. Man, did it smell good!! Then I went to a meeting in a building where they have a cafeteria. NEVER go in there when on a cleanse. I opened the door and a whoosh of bacon grease ran up my nose. Oh lord.....I did turn to look at the cafeteria and see by chance, if they were giving free samples, but Nooooooooooo. I'M ON THIS FRICKIN CLEANSE. Next one of my colleagues was eating a bagel with peanut butter in a meeting I was in today. OMG. It smelled so good!!! See, things come in threes.

I make break and eat (or drink) something bad. But Noooooooo. I'm on a frickin cleanse.
I may take from my bestie down the street in the hood. She said that her week is going so well, that she's going to start a cleanse, but hers will include 4 shakes a day of brown liquor. LOL. You know what? She will probably lose more weight on that plan than I am on this FRICKIN CLEANSE. I feel my tipping point coming. Sad thing- this weekend I fast on 5 shakes a day with no food. Ahhhhhhhhh!

And to top my day off, Morgan pooped in the house while we were at work. Any you know what. It was in 3 turds. See....everything comes in 3's. Fahrenbruch. Out. Blah.

Day 9- I love me a Groupon, but REALLY????

Now, I'm all about gettin the deal. I am signed up for every Groupon, Living Social, Half Off Depot you can imagine. I cut coupons for my groceries. I get my gas 30 cents off with my prescriptions (I do take a few drugs with the ol sjogrens, IRB...you name it- I take a drug for it. LOL) If we go out for dinner, I have a restaurant.com certificate. Any way I can save a few bucks, that's me looking for the deal of the century. But not today. I am working from home today, so I got up a few minutes early to check my gmail to see what deals were waiting for me in my inbox today. Eeewwwww. I had to read one deal twice. Let me share:

-Colon Hydrotherapy Session. WTF? Really? Now, I will admit, it was a clever ad:" A shiny new car looks great on the outside, but appearances mean nothing if the oil hasn't been changed for miles and miles. The same goes for your body -- so keep your motor running smoothly with today's deal from Hadiya Wellness. Pay $29 for one colon hydrotherapy session, and you'll drive away waste that can cause discomfort with double-filtered water (a $65 value). Enjoy more cleansing when you get three sessions for $59 (regularly $165), six for $99 (regularly $300), or 12 for $189 (regularly $720). Certified colon hydrotherapist will help facilitate a noninvasive procedure that features no side effects, as it works with your body's natural processes to allow for better functioning and more nutrient absorption. Park yourself in this private East Atlanta office for a relaxing treatment, and you'll head home with a much healthier engine -- er, body." WOW. Nothing like comparing yourself to getting an oil change. Have you seen those dudes at Jiffy Lube? But still WTF? I paid 1,000 bucks for a colonoscopy two weeks ago (thank you insurance), but why in the hell would you WANT to INTENTIONALLY want to shit your brains out and pay for it? AND have the opportunity to do it 12 TIMES and pay for it out of pocket! You know what's crazy? Last time I looked at the deal online, 142 wackos have bought this! SERIOUSLY? Well hurry fast if you want some lady to stick a tube up yer ass (no anesthesia by the way) so you can "detoxify". No thanks. I will stick to my 4/day cleanse shakes. Lord.

But wait....the fun didn't stop here with the Atlanta deals for Tuesday. Here's the Groupon for today:
-66% off toenail fungus removal. WHAT? Here's the pitch: "Yellow, brittle nails, like yellow, brittle stars, don't belong on Earth. Keep toes grounded with this Groupon." Ick. Sick. Puke. GROSS! Now here's the funny- you can either by the groupon for one foot or two. I tried to pull up the deal online, but it says my browser can't open it. Good. I think my Internet browser is grossed out too. You know, I do have a former neighbor in Topeka that could use this groupon. (God love him). Now I do joke with Fred about his toenails. He thinks it's funny to cut his nails at an angle and then rub them up against my leg in bed. You want to talk about something that drives me up the frickin wall. Sometimes I just want to kick his cute little ass- but I guess that's what keeps the marriage fresh is talking about toes- and non-fungal nails. (smile)

Now those of you that bought any of those deals today, more power to ya. If you did buy one, would you please let me know. I would love to hear how your ass spritzer and your toe spraying went.

It seems that living off of just shakes a day has brought my sassiness back to the blog. Awesome!!! I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. Holla!! :)

Days 7 and 8- Work Life Balance

I'm finding time for myself. I have completed week one of my yearly cleanse. I am down 3.5 lbs and feeling good. I worked out 5 out of the 7 days last week and have even added strength training this time around. This cleanse has come at a perfect time both personally and professionally.

Our Center Director sent an email two weeks ago about "work life balance". I so respect this. There have been days (and nights) where I work long days, check my blackberry during TMZ and The Daily Show, and I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what I need to get done. That is so not healthy. So this email came at a perfect time to get my life back on track physically, mentally and spiritually. Here's what my Center is going to try and implement: (taken from my Director's email)

These are very small steps, but changing culture probably requires small steps to actually take hold and be sustained. These small steps could be built upon over time.
• Refrain from sending email to your Center colleagues before 7:00 am and after 7:00 pm. If you feel a strong desire to check your email outside these hours, draft, but do not send, your response – save it to send during the email hours.
• If people are not receiving email during non-work hours, the expectation that people check email during non-work hours may diminish.
• Check on the urgency of a request and confirm that the due date is non-negotiable. Maybe it will be better to fulfill the request when you are fresh the next morning and have your team in the office, rather than rush the assignment, at the end of the day, and then revise and rework the assignment over several days as it goes through the inevitable “back-and-forth.”
• How many of us have had the experience of producing a less than high quality product because we were rushed to do so, and then having to revise and improve the document for several more days past the original due date? It would have been better to allow sufficient time for quality work at the outset.
• Take a lunch break. You might feel more refreshed, energized and able to solve problems if you step away from your desk, have a conversation in the break room or go out for a quick walk. You might actually be more productive afterwards.
If we model the behaviors we would like our colleagues, staff and superiors to adopt, we may be able to exert some positive reinforcement for those behaviors and actually achieve a modicum of cultural change that continues to strive for excellence, be highly effective in improving the public’s health, and also recognizes the value that healthy employees bring to the enterprise.

So I brought my workout gear to work today and during my lunch break, I went over to our exercise center and did my strength training workout. Hell, I even went to Hobby Lobby after work, came home and made a new Spring wreath for our front door. (Lord, I hope I'm not turning into Martha Stewart too) I still have time to eat a healthy dinner and walk the dogs.

It feels good! Fred is even doing the cleanse with me (minus the shakes). He did break down and have a captain and coke last night, but hey, he deserves it if he knows what's coming this week. Tomorrow starts three days of 4 shakes and one meal and Friday, Saturday and Sunday is 5 shakes, no food. God help us all. So I think this reflective blog comes at a good point this week, because I can guarantee you, I am going to turn into a crazy wack-a-doodle the next six days. So get ready for some good blogs this week. Happy Monday!!

Day 6- Remember Prom?

Ah yes, Prom Season is here. Do you remember your prom? Well, I dug into the ol Melissa archives and found my Sr. Prom picture (above). And yes, those are my parents, AT MY PROM! I mean come on, they were teachers, so they had to chaperone. But the funny thing is, why is this picture in my Sr. memory book and not the "official" prom picture with my date, Lance Guiou? I did find pictures of us at my house; him putting the corsage on my wrist; us sitting together in a nasty ass green recliner (classic). And my, Melissa sure didn't know how to use make up back when she was 18. I needed a little lesson on how to apply concealer. Oh well. But it was fun going through my book and reliving that day. The theme was "Moonlight Serenade" and I also found my after prom key chain. It was your ticket to get in. It was a casino night theme. Oh the memories.

The reason for reliving Prom is that my neighbor's daughter, Shelby- well tonight is her Senior Prom. (see picture below mine of how beautiful she looks and she's on my Harley for one of her photo opts). And my how Proms have had a major upgrade. She is going in an 18 passenger limo and eating at McCormicks for dinner. THEN, their actual prom is at the Georgia Aquarium. How cool is that? Beats the ol dinner at the FHS cafeteria of chicken or steak with those (I have to admit)yummy red cinnamon dyed apple rings. I thought we were eating high on the hog. But what I really like that was so cool about Prom in Fredonia was the tradition. As a Sophomore, you were servers at the prom dinner. When you were a Junior, it was your classes responsibility to pick the theme and decorate "The Hive" with artwork, balloons and what ever your class budget was. Good memories.

But I am sure that Shelby will have a wonderful time. I hope she takes it all in. I enjoyed my afternoon watching her get ready, taking all her photos, watching her parents glow because of how proud they are of their daughter. And we are proud of her too. It's memories like this, and at Prom that last a lifetime- So, Shelby, I hope you get out there, bust a move and have some fun! Have the night of your life.

Day 5- Garage Sale Tales

Happy Friday! Today I spent my day off hangin with my Bestie Cindi doin the Neighborhood Garage Sale. You know how you feel at the beginning of the morning of your garage sale: You are so stoked to sell, sell, sell, you are jacked up on caffeine (this year w/ the cleanse, the flavor of choice was chamomile tea) but by 1:00pm you are like, "will someone just come by and pick up all this crap for $5.00?". That was me today. The crazy thing is...I'm gonna get up and do it again tomorrow. I get this wild hair up my ass about every two years that I am the master wheeler-dealer and feel it's my mission to go out and have the gigantic garage sale. Well, here I was again today and what did I make: A whoppin $52.50. SERIOUSLY? I spent all morning negotiating a candle for fifty cents that a gal wanted for a quarter and a pair of swimming flippers with a bad strap? Lord. But, I LOVE IT! It's the thrill of the moment. Gettin in there and selling. It's a total rush for me. Plus you get to meet some dandy, hard core garage sale "professionals".

For instance:
-Right out of the shoot, you always have the guy that is stalking you setting up your merchandise. If I said 8:00am, then why the hell are you here at 7:30? Are you afraid you are going to miss the sale of century? Here's a thought: come on out of your dusty ass minivan and grab a box and help us set up.
-The deer hunter. This dude was scary, but funny as hell. For one, he almost put his pickup in Cindi's flowerbed. Guess he was excited at all the good deals he saw in the driveway. He was just a nice ol man, and talked for days. Found out he cleans gutters in the hood and also deer hunts. WHAT? Backup son- you deer hunt in a subdivision? This had me so intrigued, so I had to ask more questions. (going to try and type in Southern Slang) "You bow hunt or with a rifle?". "Bow- I go right over ya onder (pointing just over my house) and I get me a couple deer just a couple months ago." "I have pockets of land right up to this subdivision and all the way out to Monroe". Ok. So we have an elementary school right behind out subdivision.... and I have a greyhound that looks like a deer- great. I have Davy Frickin Crockett setting up a tree stand across the street from me if I'm not careful. I'm still listening... "If you were to go on over there and put yerself a target 80 yards away, I'd hit it" "Now...since I had me two car accidents, and I pulled the steering wheel plum out of the car, my shoulder is a bit messed up, but I can still hit a target- especially if it's a deer." Wow. No wonder he almost drove into the flower bed.
-Then you have the gals that you are putting stuff in the garage to close for the day, they pull up in the driveway and yell out the window, "You still open for business?". Um no, dumbshit. I'm hiding all the good deals from you. I saw you pulling up so I decided to shut the garage door. Go away. But I bet you money, they will be back tomorrow.

So, yes, I will be at it again tomorrow morning, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Tomorrow I go deep discount and smile as I probably will make 7.00 total. But hey, my "treasures" are not going back in the house and they will become someones treasure, right? Saturdays bring out the crazies. I cannot wait. Bring it.

Day 4- "Oh My..."

What an afternoon. From noon-4:00pm I had to panel a voting objective review for work. These are funding announcements that state health departments apply for and CDC employees review the applications and then score them and eventually they are awarded grant monies. There is a primary, secondary and tertiary reviewer.

So here we were at the Marriott in our little reviewer panel room, all 9 of us (there are 4-5 rooms of reviews going on at the same time) and the Chair of the panel is MIA! Now, if it wasn't for the email that she sent the day before STRESSING to be sure to be there at least 15 minutes before the panel started, and she isn't THERE! The nerve. That crap chaps my ass faster than a, well, I don't know what, but it sure pissed me off. So about 12:20, she comes waltzing in ready to go. Geez, louise. Well, my state review was first out of the gate and BAM! we were done with ours and we rocked the house. But, we had 4 more states/territories to panel and listen to. So for the rest of the 3 1/2 hours, I have to "professionally" and "attentively" listen to the other panelists read their state applications. Now the way it's supposed to go is the primary reviewer takes the most time, then the secondary and tertiary reviewers add any pieces the primary reviewer missed. WOULDN'T YOU KNOW...there are the following panelists every time:
-The "I'm not the primary reviewer but, I am going to take as much time as the primary reviewer, because I like to hear myself talk" (I wanted to punch her in the face)
-The "I'm a smarty pants "somethin-somethin-ologist" and I am going to critique their evaluation measures and debate the voting score of everyone at the table.." Lord.
-The "I'm a new employee and I'm going to read this like it's a novel"- For real? Sit your ass, down missy and shut your pie hole.
-The veteran panelists that know the drill, say their peace, don't contradict any of the application, vote and get it on down the road.
There are others, but in the essence of time, you get the picture. So for four hours, we all worked as a team and successfully completed the panel.

Well, when it was time to hand in my applications to the lead officer, I went to grab them out of my bag and CRAP. My tupperware of cantaloupe leaked all over my applications!! Crap. Crap. Crap. What am I going to do? Well, I did what any other panelist would do...I hid my applications under the gals next to me and then handed in the whole pile and got the heck out of there. :) Bazinga!!! I am so bad. Lord please forgive me.

But the best part of the day happened in the ladies room when I was leaving. Since I had a long commute home from this hotel, I figured I had better make a potty stop. Well, at the same time our panel was dismissed, another conference at the hotel was on a break and they were all out in the hallway and also taking potty breaks. Lucky for me, there was an empty stall. I just wanted to do my business and get out of there and on the road. Well, I noticed there were several ladies following me into the bathroom that had on suit, skirt, hose...they were all dolled up for whatever conference there was. BUT.. this is awesome. One of those prissies, went in the stall next to me and let out the BIGGEST and DEEPEST FART. Man, her panty hose must have had her all bound up. After the fart though, was the best- some other lady (I swore it was the gal sitting next to me in the panel)- yells, "Oh MY!". I bust out laughing. I hurried up, flushed, washed my hands and got the hell out of there. Classy ladies, classy.

Day 3- "I'll Have the Lamb Kabob"

Day 3- lots of funny things happened today. Cleanse is going well. Still sticking to the food regimen. I kick it up to 2 shakes a day tomorrow. AND...there's a new flavor!! Vanilla Delight!! Tomorrow morning I am going to visualize I am making a white cake shake. Delish! (with a bit of a grainy aftertaste, but hey- one's gotta dream) :)

So let's get to funny #1: My bestie Rebekah and I went to our favorite lunch spot, Mediterranean Bakery. Good news- they have chicken and hummus (and a salad), which is on my "can eat" list. Bad news- no pita bread or feta cheese. It was still a yummy lunch, but it's what happened as we were paying our bill that still has me laughing. This lady comes into the bakery and up to the counter and leans right into our food and says, "this is my first time here, what's good?" So Rebekah first replies and says, "this is the chicken sharwma platter and it's good!". The lady nods her head. Then points at my plate, "what are you having?". "I'm also having the chicken sharwma platter." "Great!", she says, turns to the cashier and says, "I'll have the lamb kabob." WTF? Seriously? We both busted out laughing. Why in the hell did she nose into our lunch business and ask us in the first place? What a wack-a-doodle.

Funny #2: So I am driving home my normal route back to Grayson this afternoon and I get to the intersection of Highway 78 and Scenic Hwy 124 and what do I see? Old Man Sign Spinner!!! He's back!! This dude is at least 80 years old and he spins signs on the side of streets for businesses in Snellville. Now you have to draw this visual: Old man, wearing a cowboy hat, wearing red rubber garden gloves (which scares me) and white sweat pants pulled up to his man boobies. Really? I mean come on...I almost drove off the road because his little pee pee was jammed up in his sweats exposed to the commute home drivers and he's out there dancing around spinning his "Tires Discount" sign. Hell, I don't even know what the sign said, I just know that's what building he was by. Folks are honking, he's waving, dancing and carrying on. I guess, I am happy for him. He's enjoying his day making drivers smile- but are they smiling because he's entertaining or because they feel sorry for him? Here's some advise Old Man Sign Spinner: Get you some levi's jeans and suspenders so I don't have to see Mr. Happy in the sweatpants ever again. How's that for a visual? :)

That's all I've got for today. Signing off- Word to your mother. :)

Day 2- Shifting Priorities

Ever wake up and have a plan for your day and then have it shift because of priorities? This happened to me today. It was more personal priorities than professional which really puts things into perspective.

I work from home on Tuesdays (which is fantastic)so, I had my list of work items I needed to get done and then when I needed a little break in the work action, I was going to contact anyone that I knew to get pine straw. Pine straw is scarce this year (which I heard from a seller today on the phone)because of the new immigration laws. (stick with me here...this isn't going to get political). They can't get the workers in South Georgia to rake the pine straw and make them into bales like they normally do, so this causes a huge supply and demand and the bales are scarce and the prices crazy (learned that one from Mr. Burns...). Well, I was having a high pucker factor for pine straw because I had already been stood up twice by guys that said they would deliver and install and they didn't show up last week or didn't call me back today to install. But....during my lunch break, I found pine straw, had it delivered and that task was checked off my list.

But in the big scope of things, as much as this was a priority for me today, it really didn't matter as the day went on. I have two very dear friends that need uplifting. One is recovering from cancer and is on the mend, and the other is in the hospital with pneumonia and a minor blood clot in his lung. All I could think about was these two folks all day today. It really weighed heavy on my mind and really put a lot of things in perspective. Who gives a rats ass if I have pine straw? So what if I don't finish a training agenda for work today? I can always finish it tomorrow. Whoopie-do that I am doing a 28 cleanse. These things in the big picture are minimal to what these two are going through. My thoughts and prayers go out to these two and hoping for better, healthier days ahead of them.

Now...not to be a all serious in today's blog...I did have 2 Pinterest recipes that rocked my world today. Both are on my page, so feel free to check these out. One is a recipe for chicken (leftovers), avocado, lime juice, cilantro and pepper (no salt). It was delish!! No mayo and a lot better for you. The other was dinner tonight: Dijon Mustard Thighs grilled with couscous and sliced tomatoes for a side. I'm telling you, this recipe was off the chain!!! Great flavor and very filling.

So as I close for today, my leg workout that I did yesterday, combined with my cardio workout this AM and then moving 100 bales of pine straw to the backyard this afternoon has this ol bag sore and pooped. I see a hot tub session in my near future. Until tomorrow- peace out.

Yearly Cleanse, Day 1- Slow out of the gate....

Wow. It’s been December 2010 since my last blog post. But hey, nothing like hopping back in the saddle for 28 days to blog, right? And I have a good one to kick it all off, so here goes:
It’s funny how I decide on the dates to do my yearly cleanse. It really comes down to what drinking holidays I can squeeze between. This year it’s St. Patty’s Day and Cinco de Mayo. So here I am- ready to get this cleansing party started, but it has started off with a fizzle and frustration. I literally shut down this morning at 7:12am.
After hosting a pool/Masters party all day yesterday with neighbors, I didn’t have a chance to do my Sunday night prep. I am not a Monday morning person, so I have to do things like pack my lunch, lay my clothes out, locate my work bag, etc the night before. After a day of food, cucumber martinis (my how I will miss you for 28 days) and good times, this just didn’t happen last night. After cleaning up, I was pooped and went straight to bed. So when the alarm went off at 5:30am, I so was not ready to start my day- neither was my brain. I hit the snooze once hoping it was all a dream and it was Saturday morning instead. Nope. Darn. So I drug my tired and sleepy butt out of bed and hopped in the shower. The shower didn’t wake me up as much as I needed either. So I got dressed, fed the pups and kissed Fredly goodbye. I had made my cleanse shake and my lunch was ready to go. I went to pick up my work bag and away I went.
Something happened at 7:12am this morning and I have been in a funk ever since. I rolled into to CDC at little before 7:00, said hello to my favorite security guards and BS’d about the Masters for a bit and headed up the elevator to my office. Once I got to my office, it’s the same routine: turn on my desk lamp, my tunes, my computer and check voice mail. Next I grab my work bag and pull out work that I worked on that previous Friday from home. But something wasn’t right. Where the hell was my lunch bag? Great. Really? I am frantically looking all over my office for my lunch and it’s nowhere to be found. I go back downstairs thinking I left it in the front seat of the car. Nope. Crap. So in my mind, I’m thinking it’s A) still on the kitchen counter or B) it’s somewhere in a gutter in the Pebble Creek Farm subdivision because I put on the roof of my car when I was getting in to go to work. No problem, right? I can run down to the Mediterranean Bakery and grab some chicken shwarma and hummus for lunch. WRONG! I forgot to pack my billfold too! Are you frickin kidding me? When prepping for the party yesterday, I moved my purse out of the way and forgot to transfer my billfold to my work bag last night. BALLS! Right there…I had shut down at 7:12am and I sat there staring at my computer screen in a daze. I couldn’t go on with my day. So just sat there (still looking at a blue screen- hell, I didn't even have the energy to log in yet), steaming mad, sipping my cleanse shake. I couldn't focus- I finally got going, a little bit slower than normal and pouting like a baby the whole morning. I dozed in and out of a meeting. I checked email. I walked aimlessly up and down the hallways- it was like I was looking for a banana to be laying in an office corner or a salad tree to pop up behind the receptionist desk. I was living an episode of The Walking Dead! My whole day was off. I needed a reset button, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I couldn't take it any longer. I decided to go home during my lunch hour and sure enough, my lunch was sitting there on the counter. What a ding dong. I was so hungry, I ripped open my tupperware bowl that had watermelon and just engulfed it. Talk about food euphoria.

I will for sure not let this happen again. Geez and this is only the first of 28 days. Buckle up- it's going to be a doozey month!!! :-)