“The 12 Days of Destruction”- Morgan Style

(This is sung to the song, “The 12 Days of Christmas”)

I have been trying to figure out the best way to describe what Morgan has done over the past year. (And I am not making any of this up!) So sad, that I wish I was this creative to make this up, but alas, Morgan is proud to say, he has done it all. Yes, I am just as guilty as the “enabling parent”, so I thought I would put it in an enjoyable song for you to sing along to. I’m not good at Haiku’s or any of that other technical writing BS, so tune up your singin pipes and enjoy my version of the “holiday season” favorite. Enjoy! (Especially you, Bill!!) :o)

On the first day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
A chewed up window pane.

On the second day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the third day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the fourth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the fifth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the sixth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the seventh day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the eighth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the ninth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Nine holes in the backyard, eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the tenth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Ten bite marks on the dining room chair, nine holes in the backyard, eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the eleventh day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Eleven attempts at humping the neighbor’s dog, ten bite marks on the dining room chair, nine holes in the backyard, eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the twelfth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Twelve destroyed squeaky toys, eleven attempts at humping the neighbor’s dog, ten bite marks on the dining room chair, nine holes in the backyard, eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

Wow- it looks worse on paper. But you know what- he’s curled up right now in my lap and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Sigh. It’s tough love, but it’s a good love.

The Masjogren's Chronicles? Nah....not feelin it....

That's what my pal Carmen suggested I rename my blog. Gee thanks, buddy. Yeah, it doesn't have a "hook ya" title....thanks for the offer though. But she's right; I may have to rename my blog- once again. Sigh. It's funny- since my post last night, I have had several questions posed to me and also some very shocked looks at work too-- so I thought I would share a few as well as another funny story that was in my memory vault and somewhat goes with this whole new diagnosis thing....just stick with me; I'll save it til the end. And if you don't like the story, tough crap- you're going to finish reading my entry anyway because you love me, right? Or at least I hope you do. Any whoo... on with the random thoughts and questions from yesterday and today:

Someone asked what my treatment would be/and if I've been on the wrong meds for the past 7 months?
Answer: For now, luckily, the treatment will be the same- for now. It may change come the "official" diagnosis in January. Also, if my old wack-a-doodle doc got anything right, it was the meds prescription. What she was prescribing me for lupus is the same meds for Sjogren's- so "whew" on that.

Are you going to rename your new Doc?
Answer: You know...I got some good ones last night- (Dr. McHottie, Dr. Hottie, McLovin, Dr. Eye Candy)....I think when I go back in January, I'll hit him with a Top 10 ist and see which name he prefers... LOL

-When I told my best bud Rebekah about this whole issue with the new diagnosis, she came back with "it's like you have been white your entire life and then you find out your black." OMG. Classic! I about pee'd myself right there in my office. (you have to know Rebekah-- she is off the charts hilarious! That's my home girl! Luv ya RB!! But it also reminded me of the time when I was at a party at the Mill Dam (goin back to my high school Kansas days here...)and they had a big bon fire going. Little did I know, they were burning tires on the fire. Needless to say, the next morning, I woke up to amazement that I was covered in black tire suet. (that's what I get for partaking in adult beverages in HS and not showering off the evidence when I got home past curfew- LOL- sorry Mom)

Dammit. I'm off track again...that WASN'T the story--- it's comin...(and you are gonna want to hear this one, I hope. Back to inquires...

-This whole new diagnosis thing got me back on the workout train (choo choo). I went and worked out over my lunch. But... there was the funniest thing that I observed in the big mirror today while I was on my treadmill doing my jog- Over my left shoulder, this crack head dude had his eyes closed while he was pedaling on his elliptical machine. Is this a new thing? Meditating on a workout machine? Not that I was wishing for this...ok I was....I wanted him to either a) fall asleep and fall off b) someone come up behind him and scare the shit out of him and fall off or c)everyone leave the workout area, turn the lights out and see if the doofus noticed. (these are the crazy things I think about to pass the time on the treadmill)

Ok, I can't wait any longer...the story.

Now, I know that my CDC buds are going to be dying to know who this person is that I am referring to in this story....so come on down to my office tomorrow and I'll fill ya in. :0)

So a few years ago, I was walking into the CDC offices with another good friend and colleague that I used to ride vanpool with. (Yeah, that's another story in itself- yes, I used to ride a vanpool, and I had the nickname "vanpool whore" because a dude had to quit riding our van because his wife didn't like him talking about the "young" women that rode the van when he got home, ie: Me. I think there were some "trust" issues with that marriage...) Back to the story... so Wanda and I were walking into the building and there was one of our other colleagues talking to the security guard. We exchanged hello's and then she jumped on the elevator with us. So I made a comment that I really liked her glasses. Welp, I shouldn't have done that. Instead of just saying "thank you" she starts in: "Well, you know the reason I am wearing my glasses-"- Um, no stupid- but I bet you are going to tell us aren't ya? "well, last night I had wild sex with my boyfriend and my eyes were so dried out that I couldn't even THINK about putting my contacts in this AM. So that's why I am wearing my glasses." No she didn't. Holy shit. I looked at Wanda and she looked at me. Can this elevator hurry the hell up and get to the 4th floor?

So, the running joke with Wanda and me (still to this day), is that whenever I wear glasses to work, she spouts off and says, "wild night, eh?" Blahahaha! BUT..... dammit! The main symptom of Sjogrens is dry eyes-- so guess what Wanda? Let your mind wander- I'm going to be wearing my glasses a lot more in 2011! (either that, or Fred will have a big smile on his face- bam!) I know you guys were thinkin it, so I wrote it! Get yer heads out of the gutter- and Mom, you can stop reading my blog if you want. LOL (smile)

OH, but WAIT! I don't have 3 pair of my glasses that I could even wear right now! Yep, that blog entry is coming soon. That's why Morgan is in deep doo doo. Two weeks ago, he ate my Prada, Dolce and Gabbana AND my Ralph Lauren designer glasses. Yep. So I am now wearing (only at night)- my circa 1989 kickin glasses- I don't even know if they are the right prescription. But never fear, thanks to Clark Howard's website, I ordered two pair of glasses for 21 bucks- that even included shipping! (can't wait to see these). My new vision insurance doesn't kick in until January 1, so I needed something.... sigh. So anyway, dry eyes and all, if you are ever wearing glasses and I smirk at you, now you know why- it's because my eyes are dry and I am trying to focus. LOL

Hugs and talk to everyone again soon!!

MIA and a new Diagnosis- Are you kidding me?

Hello my friends! My apologies up front; sorry I have been MIA. Haven't been feeling too well, plus I have had dog- ie: Morgan issues. He has pissed me off to the point where I was on an Atlanta miniature dachshund adoption website last week. Yes, I still have Morgan, but the little piss of crap is on double secret probation. (more on that in a blog entry later this week). I've got better fish to fry and to blog about than my insane dog. Are you sitting down? (God, I hope you are if you are reading this blog)- I don't have lupus. Yes, don't adjust your dial and go ahead re-read that previous sentence. I DON'T HAVE LUPUS. But.....BUT....I do have Sjogren's Syndrome (hell I can't even spell this..., but it's pronounced Show-gren), but not lupus. I think. My Doctor thinks. WHAT THE HELL? My head is absolutely spinning. The only Sjogren's I know are the Shogren's that are from Fall River. And, BTW... Russ Shogren, I had the BIGGEST crush on your when I was in grade school. There, I said it. Hottie patottie alert. (God, I hope he doesn't read my blog.) Anyway, back to my news: Should I be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels? I dunno. Still dunno. I wasn't prepared for this news at ALL today. No wonder I can't cry and my eyes are dry- it's because I have Sjogrens (the mucous membranes and moisture-secreting glands of your eyes and mouth are usually affected first — resulting in decreased production of tears and saliva- plus fatigue and joint pain- super duper! Can't wait for this to play out...)

Welp, here's how this all went down: (and this all happened before 10:00 AM EST today. Shit. I barely had a cup of coffee down and I am trying to digest the latest on my medical journey.)

Today was my appointment with my new rheumotologist, Dr. Sutej. (pronounced sue-tesh...like john-tesh) LOL. I had barely plunked my ass in a waiting room chair and started playing my damn dirty bird game on my Droid when they called me back (not to go off on a tangit, but you have to play this game- hilarious AND addictive). Ok...back to my story. Wow! Already a vast improvement from my "other" crackhead doctor and having to wait an hour to get in.

So I get my height, weight, blood pressure taken and I'm good to go. Then a knock at the door and in walks Dr. Sutej. Bonus: He has a South African accent and he's some mighty fine eye candy. So far, so good. (Sorry Fred, but he is, he really is.) Dr. Sutej had me at hello. So, off he went on all his medical questions. It was like playing Jeopardy- except he knew all the answers and I was the really dumb one that shouldn't be on the show. What felt like an hour of Q and A (and by the way...he's a smart ass! I love it- he would flip me crap and I would flip it right back- and he has only known me for 30 minutes.) Anywhoo, after the final round of Jeopardy, he says to me while tossing me the paper gown, "Here ya go, time for you to get into your Dior gown." WHAT? (and really I said, "WHAT?") and he says, "it's time for your examination." I look at him with a crazed look... "What do you mean?" I said. "What part don't you understand?", he says. "Strip it down to your undergarments and I'll be back in a flash". Really? OMG. I just remembered. I don't have matching "undergarments" on today. They aren't even my favorite ones....shit. He's absolutely going to laugh his ass off if he has to take a look at the bra and pantie ensemble I put together today. I had no idea I was going to be "examined" today. I was sweating like a 2 peckered goat. By the time he came back, my palms were sweaty (as well as everything else)- beautiful. So he came back in and his first question was "didn't your other Doctor examine you?". I responded, "no, not like this." He was furious. He went on that he tells all his med students that study under him that if they don't give a patient a gown and do a full examination, then you have basically failed your examination of the patient. I like how he thinks. I am very impressed with Dr. Sutej. So, on with the examination...... asks a few more questions, prods and pricks at my joints, looks in my mouth and then he says, "OK you can get dressed- be back in 2 minutes." So I rush to put my clothes on, and sure enough he was back in less than two minutes. "Are you at least decent so I can come in?"- I love this guy! Too funny- I was still putting my socks on, so I said "sure, come on i--"- I couldn't finish the sentence and he plopped his butt back in his chair. Now, what if I wasn't finished dressing? I don't think it would have mattered to him. So, he looks right at me and says the following:
-You have dry eyes? (yes)
-You have a dry mouth? (yes- would love to say I have a potty mouth, but he's being serious, so I say yes)
-Joint pain? (yes)
-Inflammation in the joints? (yes)
-Fatigue (yes)

There's another symptom that goes along with Sjogrens, but for my males readers, I will save us all the embarrassment and not list it. (PLUS...I don't have it, so rest assured- seriously, I don't- so don't frickin ask me the next time you see me- LOL) Whew! (you can google "symptoms" later and you will understand why I didn't list it.)

Dr. Sutej is not going to officially diagnosis me until I go back in January. He wants to run his own blood work, plus I love what he told me. "Scientist Lady, (this was his smart ass name he came up for me since I work at the CDC), I am not going to diagnosis you today. But what I will say is that you do not have lupus. That was a cop out diagnosis. You have a high probability that you have lupus's cousin (lupus has a cousin?) Sjogren's Syndrome. But.... I want to run every test I can because I have not done my job until I can comfortably and 100% tell you what you have." I love his honesty. But then he says a smart ass comment which was great: "You know, I am not House- (for those of you that watch House, which I do...I totally related to this one)- I don't sleep with my Boss and then come up with some zaney diagnosis to save your life and run 5,000 tests on you to find out what you have."

He does know that it is a chronic disease. And it's auto-immune. He just wants to be sure. Well, I want him to be sure too, dammit. I can't keep changing my blog title. LOL

More to come....until then, study up on Sjogren's like I am tonight, have a dirty martini and welcome me back to blogging. I have a lot to say, so buckle up. (smile)

And they call it, Puppy Love- NOT

I need sleep. Now. Morgan, our little one year old miniature dachshund is possessed. That frickin little dog.

Hi! I’m back…hope you all had a great Turkey Day. We had a great day with friends and a yummy meal- oh and what else.... Oh yes, the Huskers are the Big XII North Champs! Bring on the Sooners this weekend. Sorry I haven’t blogged…nothing was coming to me- I guess I had a little writers block. So, for a disclaimer, I think I am going to retract my “I’m going to blog everyday” nonsense. I will blog when it comes to me… “Build it and they will come”. That’s the mentally I am going to roll with.

So let’s get back to my precious little darling, Morgan. That little shit has sleep apnea. Or something. Like clockwork, he has been waking up at 1:10am and wants to go outside. The problem is, he’s snug as a bug under the covers in our bed- so Fred and I do “rock, paper, scissors” (it was fun the first time…now it’s “dammit Morgan!”) when he wakes up to see who gets to get out of bed and take him outside. The first couple times this happened, it was funny. Now, not so much. Especially last night. Precious Morgan got up FOUR different times, starting at, yep, you guessed it, 1:10 am. Is he like some kind of Rain Man dog? How can his inner clock do this? Now, the sad thing is, my body is now nightly waiting on him to wake up at 1:10am. If I do, I play dead. Don’t move, don’t move- maybe he won’t get up. Oh crap balls- I have to pee- crap- maybe I can hold it til my alarm goes off at 5:30am. Shit. Nope- there he was, peeking his head out from under the covers. So the first time last night, I got up with him and let him outside. So I think he did his business, and back he came from way out in the backyard to the back door. Good—now go to sleep, little man. Nope- then about an hour later, up he came from under the covers. Neither Fred or I moved- the only movement was Fred’s arm as he sat him down on the ground next to our bed. He took off like a rocket. Great. He’s probably off to go shit in a corner somewhere. But you know what? At this point, I didn’t care- I JUST WANT SOME SLEEP! What seemed like a minute, back he came, scratching at our bed to pick him up and put him back in bed with us. Fred, half asleep, mumbles, “I’m going to go put him in his frickin crate.” Well, Mr. Dog Whisperer, if we do that, he’ll cry and bark all night. We’ll try that idea another night- on a weekend. (smile). So up came the “chosen one’ and he was back to assuming his position, right by my feet. You know…maybe it was my electric blanket; maybe I was cooking him under the covers… nah, he loves to borough, so I am sure a little heat didn’t bother him. Finally, everyone gets “resituated” in bed and both Fred and I fall back asleep. I kid you not, Morgan woke up again! This time I think Fred launched him off the bed a little (not really, but I know he was thinking about it) and once again, he took off like Carl Lewis. This time, we heard him drinking water. NO, Morgan, NO! You know what that means; Morgan was up one more time- at this point, I was beyond pissed because I looked at the alarm clock and my alarm was set to go off in 20 minutes. Great. So, why don’t I screw with Morgan and not let him go back to sleep? No, because that would keep Fred up, and I know that wouldn’t fly. Fred got up with him this time and sure enough, out he went to pee. Brat. If he wasn’t so gosh darn cute and such the little snuggler, he would be put up for adoption. But I did that once, with my Golden Retriever Mona (I won her in the divorce) and I will NEVER do that again. I am just going to have to figure out a way to train him. And he WON’T sleep with the other dogs- Nope- he has to be front and center, in bed with us. Sigh. Let’s hope tonight is better.

Well, this afternoon must have been a ball for Morgan too. Fred got a taste of “he devil” when he went upstairs to his office this evening after getting home from work. Fred had emptied the paper shredder last night and had the trash bag on the floor- tomorrow is trash day and he wanted it ready to take downstairs this evening. Welp, Fredly forgot to close his office door-

Morgan decided to “decorate” –




I’m telling you- it’s like living the real “Marley and Me”. There is never a dull day at our house. The good news (if there is any with this blog entry), there were no #1 or #2 accidents in the house today while we were both at work. When we saw the masterpiece scattered all over the floor by Morgan, we looked at each other and laughed. What more can we do? We love that little dog and I guess if it means waking up every once in awhile in the middle of the night, then OK. What I can’t replace is this little dog’s excitement when I get home from work everyday and open the garage door and he’s there, like clockwork, waiting for me. His tail hits both sides of his butt and it’s going 90 miles an hour. You can’t hide that love.

Well, I’m off to go pour me a glass of wine, fix dinner, watch some TV (with Morgan cuddled on my tummy) and then off to bed. That little shit better sleep through the entire night… or…. Or…. Oh hell, who am I kidding? (smile)

Back in the Saddle....Kung Fu style

Hi Everyone! I am so sorry I haven’t posted in a couple of days….(ok- it’s been 3) Time just got away from me. So let’s quickly bring you up to speed so you know what I’ve been up to:

Saturday was somewhat eventful- I have a great story about “Big Daddy” at the Waffle House and the wack-a-doodle I sat by (no, not Fred) while eating my “scattered, well” hashbrowns. But, now that it’s 3 days later, the story isn’t so funny anymore. But just in case I think the funny will come back to the story, I’m gonna archive it and save it for when I have writers block. Also on Saturday evening, Fred gigged with his band, The Woody’s at the Arena Tavern. It was fun and I could REALLY blog about some “happenings”, but I will protect the innocent (y’all that were there can thank me later); you just had to be there to see all the action.

Sunday- pretty boring. We “accidentally” slept in and didn’t make it to Church. (pray for me) I did laundry, Fred raked some leaves and then we plopped our butts on the sectional all afternoon and watched football. (BTW- Go Falcons!)

Notice that there aren’t any workouts mentioned over the weekend. Yep, I didn’t do any. I’m such a slacker. It’s hard on the weekends- I promise to work at this…..

Monday- back to the grind and believe it or not, nothing out of the ordinary happened in the office or when I went over to Rhodes to workout. (I did my 2 mile workout- yay!) It was pretty mellow for a Monday. I like that. So, when I got home last night, I had every intention of blogging, and it just didn’t happen. I even had a convo with my mom on what to blog about….nothing was floating my boat. So I poured me a “dirty” and flipped on the TV and shazam~ it was time to hit the hay bales.

Ahh….but alas! Tuesday came and the Universe aligned. Here’s what happened today:

My buddy Kelly and I headed over for our lunchtime workout at Rhodes. I was still a little sore from my 2 mile run yesterday, but with Turkey Day this week, I wanted to be sure I got another good workout in at work since this is the last day in the office for me this week. I check in and head to my treadmill. It was the only one vacant, so I jumped on it and started my stretching. As I was putting on my headphones, I noticed this skinny, ripped chick eyeballing me in the mirror. “Excuse me,” she says, “are you done?”. Really. “Um, no.” I reply. “I just got on the treadmill.” Then she shoots me this look, like “sure..” Shit- I haven’t even started my workout. Just because you are this 0% body fat running fanatic, doesn’t mean that a middle-aged, slightly out of shape non-marathon running chick (ie: Me) is going to give up my treadmill. Hell to the no.
So off I go, trucking to the whopping speed of 4.5 mph (hey…I’m up from 3.5 last week) and man…my legs feel heavy. This is going to be a long 30 minutes….I have to push through, I have to push through…..I had to get my mind on something--- for some reason, I started reminiscing back to my HS days…. Man, I can remember playing 4 straight quarters of basketball and not being tired—I ran the 330 hurdles (and man did that suck ass; that is the hardest race in the world)- but I did it. And here I am, going 4.5 mph sucking gas to finish two miles. Man, I want my 18 year old body back. But…I know that’s not going to happen. Boo hiss. OK…enough of memory lane- all of the sudden, I hear this “THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.” What the hell? Well, I look over 2 treadmills down, and this little Chinese woman (who is probably no more than 70 pounds) is making that THUMP noise, with her feet! My God, she must have the flattest feet in the world or she is striding way to far out for her little body. I can hear this through my tunes…wow. After a couple more times, it really gets annoying, but guess what? She helped me pass the time and boom! My 2 mile run was over. She’s glaring at me in the mirror….I think she saw I was staring at her with dismay that she could make that much noise. I got the hell off my treadmill, before she opened up a can of Kung Fu whoop ass on me. LOL

Workout done-check. Man, I am working from home tomorrow and I really want to go to Sarah’s yoga class. I wonder if she can teleconference me in from home- no need to envision (little inside CDC joke); wow- I bet that would be a first at CDC. Fingers crossed; I gave her my home phone number. (smile)

Good to be back to blogging…. Stay tuned for more of my wacky escapades.

PS: Hey Rebekah- Holla! (she wanted a shout out…here you go buddy!! )

Crazytown

I love grocery shopping. Fred thinks I’m on crack, but I do, I really do. And I’m not any grocery shopper. I plan my weekly menus at home and then I clip my coupons, write out my grocery list and then watch out~ I get jazzed when I know it grocery store day. My heart rate jumps as soon as I get in the parking lot. Get me to my shopping cart, dammit! Today was a little different. Is it a full moon? I dunno, but the wack-a-doodles were definitely out today. It also may be that now that we are on a tighter budget, I now go to where all the crazies go; WalMart Supercenter! (oh yeah).

So this afternoon, I grabbed my reusable grocery bags, my coupons and my grocery list and off to Crazytown I went. On my way to Wallyworld, the traffic was HORRIBLE! What the hell, is it Black Friday and I slept through it? Everyone was out- and guess what? They were all turning into my shopping center. (notice I said “my”) I found a pretty good parking spot (I like to get next to where you return the carts) and off I went.

Man, there were some interesting people today at the grocery store. Why is everyone so mad? I was in the veggie section and I needed carrots- this stingy old bag of a woman was just looking at the lettuce and I so I saw my opening and went between her and the lettuce. From the look I got from her, it was like I stole her purse. Geez. Then there was another set of old baguettes in the frozen section. All I wanted was to get my veggie steamers- oh hell no- they were hogging that frozen door and would not move. So I stood there, now impatiently, until they saw me and then moved their cart out of the way. What is it? Thanksgiving cooking stress? Every person, I smiled at just had a look on their face that could kill. I mean, come on! Don’t ruin this for me- I love my grocery shopping! I also love watching the 300 pound chicks lined up for the free samples- really? You think you need one more scoop of instant mashed potatoes? Man, I gotta get out of here- there was some “bad mamba jamba” going on today and I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. (Maybe it was because I was in Loganville- this is an inside joke for all my Georgia homies- they put the “red” in redneck).

So, I got to the checkout area and lane 23 still had her light on and there wasn’t a line! So I put my cart into turbo and raced up to her conveyer belt. I think the checkout lady was trying to close out, but tough shit. Learn to turn your lane light off if you don’t want to check anymore folks out. She was nice, but I could tell I pissed her off. She tried to carry on a conversation about the items I was buying- Why, why do checkout people do this? Why do they need to know why I bought ritz crackers instead of triscuts? Why does she want to know what I am making for Thanksgiving? I didn’t ask for the conversation- this is when I wish my cell phone rings, but no. I have to keep smiling- I am polite. So I pay for my goodies (I saved $28 bucks!) and off I go to the parking lot. As I am approaching my car, I notice this huge white industrial van parked right next to me. Really? This ass hole with the front license plate that says, “Painter” is parked so close to me, if that SOB driving this piece of shit van dinged my beemer, then I am going stay put and kick his ass with the #3 iron I keep in my back seat. And to top it off, he has backed into the stall so his side of the van is the one closest to my car. My blood is boiling at this point. I quickly put my groceries in my trunk and then I am off to see if I see any car dings. Well hell- how could I find any? He was parked so close to me that I had to duck under his door mirror to get into my car. Wow. The bastard is lucky he didn’t leave a mark, because I was gonna leave one if I saw one paint chip mark.

Good God, get me out of Crazytown now! Is this the price I am going to have to pay to save a little cash? Or am I going to have to park in the very last stall just to keep crackhead “painters” from parking next to me? It’s a good thing I am not PMS’ing or someone would have got their jock knocked off today.

Fred is going to be so happy he didn’t go with me today…….
Happy Weekend!

Technology (or idiot) woes…..

I didn’t have a very good morning at work today. I actually woke up on the first alarm this morning, which RARELY happens. (For those of you that don’t know…I am NOT a morning person; sometimes I don’t say hello to anyone until 9:00. I work an early tour just to avoid traffic; believe me, if there were a better solution, I would do it. I could make sleeping an Olympic sport.) Oops, went off on a tangent; now back to the story: So I actually made it to work on time today, so I thought to myself, “hey…this is gonna be a super duper Thursday.” Not. I say good morning to our security guard John and up the elevator I go to floor #4. It’s quiet in my hallway; just the way I like it. So into my cute little window office and I go through my morning ritual- I turn on my little lamp on my desk, start up my computer and turn on my tunes (gotta have background sound). As my computer boots up, I click on Outlook to see what fun emails I have in my inbox. (I really do love email- everyday is like Christmas). Before my inbox pops up, a calendar reminder flashes that says, “NGO Webinar 3 hours overdue”. WHAT? Three hours overdue? What’s going on? So I click on the appointment and as it opens, and I nearly shit myself. Right there in office #4103 there was almost a poop alert right there in my cute skinny jeans and on my comfy ergonomic chair. (and all this before the sun comes up) Nooooooooo!

Here’s the story: I volunteered to help my dear friends and colleagues Carmen and Kelly set up a webinar for our National Non-Governmental grantees on sustainability (a pretty important topic in our world at CDC right now) that was set to roll out this afternoon at 3:00pm. So, being the professional development team leader, I stepped up to the plate a few weeks ago to assist setting up their logistics for their webinar. But, what did I do? I set the calendar appointment for 3:00 AM, not 3:00PM. 3:00AM! Way to go genius.

So back to shitting on myself- thank God I didn’t or it was gonna be a LONG day. I tried to make light of it by talking to myself; “Well, why didn’t anyone log in at 3:00am this morning? I can’t believe there wasn’t a sole on the call.” It didn’t help. I was still screwed. Yeah, I was trying to prepare myself for Carmen and Kelly when they got to work later in the morning. Then an idea: “Hey, maybe I can go in and update the calendar appointment to 3:00PM and they will never know?” Well, mission accomplished on the first part. I could update the calendar to 3:00PM, but then the lovely red letter across the top of the screen popped up: Your session that you are requesting 100 seats for is over capacity. There are ZERO seats available for this time. Double rat balls. I am so screwed. No wonder I got in to the webinar scheduling system 2 weeks ago and got 100 seats reserved for this webinar; IT’S BECAUSE IT WAS SCHEDULED FOR 3 FRICKIN THIRTY IN THE MORNING!!! Now wouldn’t you think that we would have some system at CDC that should have called or emailed me to double check that I really wanted a webinar at 3:00am? Nope. Nada.

It’s slowly approaching 8:00am and I know that both Kelly and Carmen will be here soon. I just gotta face the music. I can see that Carmen’s office light was on. Damn- she was already working away on her webinar presentation uploading documents into what she thought was her 3:00PM webinar- bless her heart. Now I have to tell her that she’s uploading into a webinar that’s already over. I feel awful. This is Carmen’s first webinar she is conducting for our Division and I f’d it up. She’s so nice and cheery too. And sure enough, when I broke the news to her, she says, “no worries”. Wow. If the roles were reversed, fire may have come out my eyes; but no, not Carmen. Then Kelly arrives. I tell her the story too and again, I am greeted with “oh well, it happens.” No, it shouldn’t have happened. How hard is it to change a drop-down box from AM to PM? Well, obviously it a tough task for me. Way to go Poindexter.

So after my many apologies and offering to detail their cars, make them dinner, drive them around town on a bar crawl (LOL) …- anything; they slap me back into shape and reality. We made an executive decision to postpone the webinar until December 9th (and yes, it’s at 3:00 PM). They were both so understanding. I have the best friends and colleagues in the world. So, for those of you that read my blog, and you are one our funded partners, now you know the real story on why your webinar was postponed for this afternoon. The wack-a-doodle typing this blog was the “technical difficulty” that was noted in the email you received today from CDC on why the webinar was rescheduled. Yay me. I learned a valuable lesson today: slow down, check your work and do it correctly the first time. Geez…sounds like my mom (sorry Mom, but I think you have said that to me once or twice in my life- that’s why I love you!)- and… bonus for the “Momster” she gets back to back blog shout outs. (smile)

I will end my blog this eventing with a couple add’l “lessons” I like these better:

"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others"- Anonymous

"Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics" – Anonymous

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else" - Will Rogers


I’m heading to the kitchen for a dirty martini- that will help take the sting away, plus I can chill for evening, go to bed and go at it again tomorrow- except there are, thank goodness, no webinars on the books for me tomorrow.

Until then…..

Just Thinkin....

My blog today is for my good friend and colleague Anu. The other day at work, we were talking about my blogs and she said, “it makes me wonder what goes through your head on a daily basis”. So, today when I was jogging on the treadmill at lunch, I thought "Eureka!" I know what I can blog about. I have random thoughts all the time. Maybe it's the lupus medication. Maybe it's my sick and twisted mind. Maybe I am channeling my Mom. Hahaha! (She is gonna kill me for that one- love you Mom!) :)

Soooo...without further ado, Malupus' random thoughts while on the treadmill today:

• Why is it when you start out on the treadmill, and 2 minutes into your workout, you have to poop? Do you fight yourself mentally to stay on the treadmill and work through it or do you get off and take care of business? (FYI: I fought through it if you were curious)

• Why is it that when you wear knee highs to work that the ring stays on your leg below the knee? And then…when you go to workout and you are wearing shorts, you can still see it in the mirror? Do you think others notice and then judge you b/c you wear knee highs? (gimme a break- I had on heels today with my ensemble)

• I caught the weird looking man on the treadmill next to me staring at me during my treadmill jaunt- I caught him in the big mirror in front of us- (maybe he was looking at my knee high rings) hahahaha

• Why is it that you bust your ass in your workout to find out that you only burned 142 calories? Seriously? Sad.

• What do you do when you forget to put your iPod on “workout shuffle”? Do you mentally fight yourself to stop your workout and adjust your tunage or do you continue jog (at a somewhat slower pace) to Michael Buble, Anita Baker and Train? (Answer: today I just kept hitting “skip”- and don't judge me for my music collection; you would crap your droors at some of the stuff I have on my iPod) . Tomorrow, the workout shuffle will be jammin.

• Why is that when you look in the mirror (there is a huge wall mirror to look into when jogging on the treadmills) that you see you shorts ride up your crotch and you try to be subtle and pull em back down? (God…I hate that). That look reminds me of a gal that was on my HS basketball team (I will protect the innocent in case she is on FB; if she is, she hasn't friended me...and that's totally OK with me) and I told myself that I would never get to the point where my legs rub together when I jog/walk/run. Thank goodness I am not to that point yet- that's why I am working out.

• I just thought of this one...the workout room at work has the treadmills on the front row and the stationary bikes in a row right behind the treadmills. Why in the hell did they do that? I just realized that the lone man on the bikes today was positioned right behind my bouncing ass. Congratulations dude- hope you enjoyed your cheap seat- Perv. I did notice he said a big "HELLO" to me when he walked in and of all the 7 bikes he could have sat his butt on, he sat right behind me. I need to start charging admission. Or I look at is as I have a workout fan.


BTW....for those of you following closely to my blog, a couple updates:

• “Wile E” was just finishing his workout when I was jumping on today. Thank goodness. I couldn’t handle a speed demon next to me.

• I am still on the hunt for a new rheumatologist. I did get in to the best Lupus Doc in Atlanta- his first available appointment is August 10, 2011. 2011! Holy shit balls. I know he's good, but wow! Gimme Dr. Bacani! I could drive home right now to Fredonia and I bet he would draw my blood right there at the Bacani Plaza bar. (love that man!) Maybe I will bring my medical records home when I visit over Christmas. It's a thought. Anywhoo, I did take the August 2011 appt. because this lupus isn't going away. That way I will have this doc for the duration. He's the real deal and I want the best Doc insurance can buy. :) Dr. J is totally out. She did get off her ass to day and call in my pneumonia shot. I get that tomorrow (yay)- but I had to heckle her and her "lovely" secretary about 4 times today. Sigh. I am looking for an interim doc in the meantime. Stay tuned on that....

Welp, that's all I've got for this evening. Hugs to all and chat at ya later- M.

Grrrrr.....

I am not happy with my lupus Doc. Four months ago I blogged about her. And...after 4 months, there is still no love. You know when people write the "I heart XXX"? Well, this chick (ie: me) is definitely not going to write that anytime soon with Dr. J. And I love the basketball player Dr. J, so maybe I won't refer to her as that. But for tonight, I will.

Today was my 4 month checkup with "her". I had a few questions to ask her and I brought them on a sticky note with me. So I get to her office, and of course, like I always do, I wait. Why in the hell is it so slow in this office? I know, I should be patient, but man, they move as slow as molasses. And...the receptionist is a bitch. It's like I have to bend over the table just to have her smile and acknowledge me. But she is sure quick to take my $35 dolla co-pay. So I sit, and then finally I get called back. I have to get my weight and blood pressure taken. One thing I do "heart" is Dr. J's scale. I am always 3 pounds lighter there. Gotta love that. Blood pressure was fine, and then off to my personal waiting room. 10 minutes later, here she comes with her grand entrance. She has her handy dandy little laptop that she brings in and immediately her nose is in that f-in laptop. What the hell ever happened to bedside manner? And it's always the same questions from her: "How are you feeling?" "Anything abnormal?" "How's the plaquinil treating you?" Next time (well, after this blog, I don't think there will be a next time)- but if there was, I think I would bring my laptop in and just hand it to her with my frickin answers to her lame ass questions. But this time, I came to stump her. "I have a few questions for you", I say. "Let's hear them!", she immediately says. It's like she was saying "whew, I don't have to do my dog and pony show with this chick- make her work." Whore. So I start with my first question: "My toes on my left foot go numb. Is this normal?" "Well," she says, "not normally." Again a reference from last night, "no shit sherlock- that's why I am asking you the frickin question." I never got a good response from her. Next question: "My eyes have become really dry with my contacts- is this normal with lupus patients? This is my first fall/winter with lupus." "Well (and say that in a winey mode and you have nailed her voice) that could be a symptom of you taking plaquinil." So I am now a smart ass because I am getting frustrated- "so is that a yes or a no from you?" Her reply: "Well...(winey again) I would say to go purchase some artificial tears." Wow- you are a really smart doctor. Next question: "My primary doc told me that with having a chronic disease that I should consider getting a pneumonia shot. Is this something I should get?" Her response: "Yes, I think that would be a good idea." Wow- such a great response. I feel so much better (not). So my last question is more a follow up: "My opthamologist took my base line lupus eye test two weeks ago and sent the results to you. Did you get the results?" Her response: "Um, did he mail them or fax the results to me?" "I don't know", I say. Her comeback (and I almost came off the chair and scratched her little eye balls out of her head): "Well, if he mailed the results, I probably haven't got to that yet. I have a really bad habit of not reading my mail." OMG! Are you flippin kidding me? What if I had life and death results on her desk? She would just get to it when she had the chance? I am SO PISSED off that when she is done, I get up to leave and she says, "oh wait..you need to get your bloodwork." Shit. Oh yeah. Time to go pee and get my bloodwork taken. So I do this and I am outta there as quick as you can say "kiss my ass Dr. J". But I didn't get a chance to do that.

But my afternoon got even better. I got the run around from my pharmacy because they want 50 bucks for my pneumonia shot when my insurance said it was covered. Ahhhhh! Plus, they say that Dr. J has to call this shot in as a prescription. Really? Seriously? So guess what I have to do? I get to call back my favorite Doctor in the whole wide world. And of course it's 5:15, so I am expecting to get their answering machine. So I call and who picks up the phone? No, not Miss Cheery at the front desk, but Dr. J herself! So I say, "Hi...it's Me...(jibber jabber) and I am calling because the pharmacy won't give me the pneumonia shot that you instructed me to get without a prescription from you. Pause. Her response: "I'm sorry.. is this an emergency?" WHAT? Did you listen to anything that I just said? She continues: "You know this is after hours... (in my head: um...I know you stupid bitch- but why the hell are you answering the God Damn phone?) so can you call back in the morning and speak to my receptionist?" That did it. I couldn't bite my lip anymore- "Sure I will, but next time, don't answer your phone after 5:00 if you don't want to talk to someone." That's it. I'm getting my prescription for my stupid shot tomorrow and then it's over. The breakup is here. Good-bye Dr. J. I am tired of being treated like crap. Just because you specialize in rheumatoid arthritis doesn't mean you treat me like dog shit because I have lupus. I am also going to contact the Georgia Chapter for Lupus and tell them about my experience and have them help me find a doctor that loves me. That's all I ask. Just a little love- not smothering love, just some PDA. LOL. Sorry for the rant. You know this isn't the last of this blog topic.

"Stuck in the Middle With You"

I’m telling you folks, - I can’t make the shit up about what I am going to blog on today. Hello, my friends! Sorry I took a 2 day hiatus from writing my blog. Saturday I was at a beautiful 50 year wedding Anniversary wedding/celebration of our good friends Dudley and Martha. I was so moved by the commitment they have for each other and all day it made me think and cherish how lucky in love I am with my Fredly. (smile). Now Sunday, that’s another story. We did go to Church and lightning didn’t strike us (LOL), but the rest of the day, I was a big pile of nothing. I cleaned the house, yada, yada, yada- but I snacked and just lounged around the house. I was supposed to do a mile run for time, but I just spaced it off- OK, you guessed it, I totally blew it off. (I cannot tell a lie)

So….I knew it was going to be tough today getting back on the workout wagon, but I did it and man, I feel so much better! (and now I’m pissed that I was a lazy sloth ass yesterday)- oh well, lesson learned. So, I “geared” up and headed over to the Rhodes Bldg where the workout room is at CDC. My favorite treadmill was open (yay), so I jumped on it and started jogging my little heart out. I’m getting into my workout and this skinny little bee-och was on the treadmill to my right. She was power walking her little butt off. Good for her. The bad thing (well, there’s a couple of things…) #1- is she is humming to her music. Great. A hummer. Glad I have my tunes. #2- she is walking at a faster rate than I am jogging. Whore. I start my workout and I can kinda still hear her humming through my head phones (plus I can see her moving her lips in the big mirror in front of us), plus she is kicking my ass walking! (Not that I am competitive or anything…) LOL

Oh, but it gets better…. I am halfway through my workout and Wile E Coyote (from a previous post), jumps on the treadmill to the left me. He does a 5 second stretch and BAM, he has his treadmill cranked up to 9.5 and running like a mofo. Gee, thanks Wile E. He’s taking on more of the roadrunner persona today. So I keep at my 5.0 pace and finish my 1.5 mile workout. Yay for me! But…. The whole time, I had (guess what song) running through my head:

”Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you”

Now isn’t that appropriate? Bad thing is, I still have the darn song stuck in my head.

Oh, but it gets even BETTER!

After my workout, I remember that I don’t have any meetings this afternoon, so I decide just to stay in my workout clothes and work in my office “comfy”. So I grab my lunch out of our refrigerator on our floor and I am heading back to my office, when one of my colleagues (I will protect his identity- but at least you know it’s a dude- LOL) stops me in the hallway and says, “my you’re dressed a little casual for work today.” (Um, no shit Sherlock.) So I say back to him, “I just got back from working out at Rhodes.” But do you think the convo stops there? Hell to the no. He keeps on comin at me: “You know, they do have showers at Rhodes, matter of fact, they have showers downstairs in this building.” Really? WTF? So what is he telling me? That I smell of sweat? Well, news flash- I probably did. But I hadn’t had time to go “wipe myself down”. I was frickin hungry and wanted to eat my salad. Holy crap balls batman, lay off. I didn’t see your flabby ass over at Rhodes “sweatin to the oldies”. Geez. But then… guess what song came back in my head again? You guessed it:


Yes I'm… stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.


I’m not going to let this dill weed ruin my glistening, sweaty body. He even had the balls to get in one more zinger before I walked away and he said, “be healthy.” Well, be healthy yourself you piece of lazy ass shit. I worked out dammit! And yes, if I had meetings this afternoon, I would have showered and got back into my nice work clothes. But no, I didn’t BUT I did take a shower as soon as I got home (and before I started typing this blog, mind you). LOL. Ok, I got that off my chest- literally.

So I hope you enjoyed my blog today. You know, there is never a dull moment with me- drama follows me and I love it! It always makes for a good blog entry.

That’s why you’re…. “stuck in the middle with me”. Hahahaha! Later!

A "Funny Friday" post for my peeps~

IMPORTANT MESSAGE

(ok- really it's not; disclaimer-- this is a joke- I have modified the message below to protect the innocent and relate this to me as much I could w/o laughing my ass off (literally) and getting busted for plagarizing (LOL)- you know we all feel like this at one point or another when trying to lose weight or jumpstarting a workout program. Enjoy!)
~~~~~~~~~~

You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

Well, my thighs were stolen from me during the night a few months back. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans (and baggy sweat pants).

And then the thieves struck again……

My ass was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took liberty to match my new butt to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new back side was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Not only was I victim of an "ass switch" but I realized my arms had been replaced too. I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone!
But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. (I love that line- hilarious!)
~~~~~~~~~

I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on and include in my blog journaling for a "Funny Friday" post. Hope you had a good laugh. I thought it was cute.

Have a super weekend and always remember to laugh!!
Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!! (smile)

PS: I did my Yoga today- did it at home today- with the help of Morgan. I gotta get a doggie gate to keep them out of the workout room~ that will be another post for another time. :)

You never know what you will see on your run....

OMG. I live in Hickville. I didn't think that I did, but Suburbia rared her ugly face today. So there I was- in the middle school parking lot; iPod jamming to the Robert Randolph Band and off I go on Day 4 of Half Marathon Training. But then, there it was, out of the corner of my eye, through the barbed-wire fence separating the school property from the Clampett's (maybe that was a sign). Jethro was on his 4-wheeler (at least he had a helmut on)pulling with a rope his mullet-wearing mom on a cardboard box. Really? Are you kidding me? Oh, but then I see little Ellie Mae jumping up and down like a cheerleader from Redneck High rooting for her brother to throw her mom off the speeding cardboard box. Wow. How am I supposed to keep going on my run? I want to stay and watch the train wreck. I wish I had my Flip Video so I could film this and make some money on America's Funniest Videos. But I had to keep moving- this was my workout time and I have to stay my course. But...then I think to myself, "hey, I have to at least run back by here"...so that was my inspiration today. My run seemed to pick its own pace up. I was truckin. So I made it to my half-way point, turned around and started back to the monster truck rally. And sure enough, they were still at it- Mom was still alive; but now it's like she was getting her revenge. She was driving the 4-wheeler and Jethro was now on the cardboard box getting thrown around the yard. Ellie Mae was still cheering her little heart out. I just had a smile on my face as I jogged by them. They made my run go smoothly today. They were my inspiration. Hmmmm..which makes me think; were they in training too? Were they practicing for a potential "dusting" of snow? So, then there you go; if they can be in training, then I can survive my training too. I am their Jane Hathaway. (Now if only they had Black Gold, Texas Tea on their property). LOL. I think I have found my new workout route for this Fall. I hope they will be out in their yard on Saturday, my next run workout date.

"Giving Back to Yourself" Day

Downward facing down; inverted table; meditation. Now, get your head out of the gutter~ those are yoga poses, silly. Yep, today I went to my first ever Yoga class. And it was AWESOME! My good friend and colleague Sarah Lee teaches a Yoga class at CDC and I decided to give it a whirl today. It actually falls into my "half marathon" training. Sorry I missed blogging yesterday (we had computer issues), but just so you know, I did my cardio and I am still on track. Granted, it's day 3 of training, but hey, perfect attendance is perfect attendance. So I packed up my yoga mat, my yoga pants (I didn't know I had a pair until I read the inside label that they were) and headed to class. I gave Sarah a "heads up" that she was going to have a new pupil today. "I'm a yoga virgin", I told her. She just laughed they way she normally does at me- (she was probably saying to herself, "I hope she didn't eat Mexican food for lunch") LOL. So I walked into the class and the lights were dimmed and it was so quiet. You could hear a pin drop. The soothing yoga music was playing. So what the hell do I do next? Say hello to everyone? Judging by the way they were sitting with their eyes closed, my guess is no. I just followed my friend Adriane's lead- roll out your mat, take your shoes off, sit cross-legged on your mat and keep your mouth shut. Check. So far, so good. What's really cool is Sarah has "themes" for each Yoga class. Today was "Giving Back to Yourself". We give and give so much each day; to your job, your family, etc. and what do you give to yourself? So this hour long class today was dedicated to each of us in that room. Pretty cool, eh? But, as fast as you could say "assume the position", it was time to get into the first pose, stand and twist (oh and breathing- that was key too) - Hey, no problem! This feels great!! I was truckin right along and then came downward facing down. Crap- I literally fell downward facing down. Now I know why they call it what they do. I was stretching muscles I never knew I had. Then came something I think called a "snake"- I didn't make that move the first time, but the second time it came around, I nailed it! Then we went back into the "downward" position again, and this time Sarah came around to each of us to make sure we were in the correct position. I was not. My head wasn't lowered enough. She moved it. Holy crap balls- just one little movement and my muscles were working it. I was sweating like a two peckered goat. I never knew Yoga was so relaxing yet so hard. After an hour, I was so relaxed. Well, I can say I survived my first yoga class (and no gas was passed). :) What a great way to finish up an afternoon of work. I was totally in a Zen mode. Maybe that's why I missed a meeting. LOL (Kidding; I didn't). I am looking forward to class next week. Maybe I will learn a pranayama pose. Until then....

I'm Baaaaccckkkk! Let the blogging re-begin~

Has it really been May 27th since my last blog? C-Ra-zee! (that's Crazy- it's ok, sound it out- you will be using it); My, my and a lot has happened- A LOT- First, I still have Lupus. LOL (no, it didn't go away)- I'm doing fine, have some flares every now and then- had a big one in August that actually put me on the couch for 3 days. I now know to have my predinsone "on call" in case that happens again. Second, Fred lost his job at the radio station. Ball sack to the hundredth degree. No, I am not going to use my blog as a platform to call out all the douche bags (Except Scott "King of the Douche bags" Shannon) in the radio biz. That would take me WAY to long and I have a blog to write, dammit! :) Third, I had my 20 year HS Reunion back in Kansas. (I will omit blogging about this to protect the innocent)- So, as you can see, I have a lot of topics I can pull out of my wazoo and blog about.

So let's get on with it- I am officially going to start blogging again. Daily. (pause for applause) I actually have missed it. And...it was amazing how many people have asked me to start up the 'ol blog, so back by popular demand- Me! Now, there is some madness behind me blogging again. My scale this morning told I have gained 8lbs back from post cleanse- crap balls. Well, I admit, it's true. It takes a lot of hard work to keep the weight off; and when I was blogging, I was keeping to my cleanse regimen and that contributed to my success. Plus when you are eating white cake w/ white frosting (yes you can recall this love in a previous blog) and dirty martinis (my new love), it takes its toll. Plus I was really getting into jogging (well the jog/walk part anyway) towards the end of summer. Then the bottom fell out- literally. I was planning our Division's annual big conference- it was a stressor- so back came the working late at home, the not working out, and the not cooking and eating out more than normal. Then Fred lost his job; that didn't help either. But then... I discovered "Dirty Sue". OMG- the best thing ever created! I was getting pissed b/c I got hooked on dirty martinis while vacationing in Hilton Head Island (HHI for us Southerners). Well, I like mine extra dirty, which means more olive juice. I was getting tired of using all the olive juice and then I was stuck with a 3/4 full jar of dry olives. Then I found her. That nasty lady named Dirty Sue. Who whudda thunk it? They make olive juice in a bottle and you can buy it at the liquor store. Bazinga! Heaven in a bottle. But then, I noticed my jeans were a little more snug and dammit- I'm not going to let all this hard work go to waste. So I had a reality check with myself in the shower this morning and I said to myself, "Melissa, this shit has to stop. Gotta get yer ass back on the healthy train." And that was that. I packed my workout clothes and took them with me to work. I mean, duh, they have a workout facility in another building for CDC employees to use free of charge. As soon as I got to work, I blocked out my lunch hour for the rest of the year and beyond. Instead of porking out at my workstation, I am going to get my ass over to workout. I was so motivated this AM, I even googled "training for a half marathon"- WTF am I doing? Well, I am not jumping into the ring yet, but I started at lunch today with Day 1 of training for a half marathon. One mile without stopping, done. Check. Hell, maybe I can do this. So part of my daily blog will be about my "training". Now, I am going to start out slow- so most of my blog will have to be filled with humor while I get my body back in "workout" mode. Otherwise, who wants to read about "I hate looking at my legs in the mirror while I run on the treadmill" and "dude, the crazyass wackadoodle next to me on the treadmill must have had it cranked up to 9 because he was running like he was Wile E Coyote." But I am sure I will throw some of those zingers in any chance I get.

Anywhoo, hope you are happy to have me blogging again. If not, too bad- then don't read it. I know... it's like a train wreck; you want to see what happens with me and my crazy episodes, right? Well, you've got it~ Welcome back and happy reading. Until tomorrow~

When yer regular, yer regular

Wow. Eating healthy has sure made me regular. (How's that for an opening sentence?) Yep, back to the blogging this week. See, I told you crazy crap happens to me ALL THE TIME! Take for example this morning's commute to work. Yep, was running a little late today. I was debating on which ensemble to wear to work today: my new dress that I ordered that came via my hot UPS man. (I think I ordered a dress online just so he could deliver it to my front door) or a cute skirt with my hot coral open toed shoes. (This is also what I get for being a HUGE Rachel Zoe fan- style fashionista for the stars). I wanted to wear my new dress SO BAD, but it's cut a little high up on the thigh for everyday wear to CDC, so I went with option #2. I have to admit, I had a good hair day going, jewelry to match and I was ready to take on the day!! So I packed my healthy lunch, snacks and my new Met Rx vanilla shake with fresh blueberries blended into it. (yum!). Oh man, I have got to get on the road! So I hop in the Beemer and away I go. Of course I have the radio tuned into hubby's radio station (106.7) and my favorite traffic guy Greg Talmage, was doing his traffic report. Shit balls. Hwy 78- big accident and there's a back up. Great. Why the hell is it always when you are running late that traffic always bends you over the table? So, thank goodness, I do have a backup road plan that can get me to work, but it's a little out of the way. So I head down my new course to work and I look at the clock. Crap. 6:45am. How am I going to make it by 7:00- but also, something else hits me- Uh oh. My "daily routine of #2" is usually right around 7:15- and I mean like clock work. And sure enough- about 7:05, while I am still on the road, I start to get my "hey lady, are you headin to the john anytime soon cramps". Holy crap mother balls! What am I going to do? Well, I am already late. So, now comes the hard part- where the hell am I going to pull off to drop a load? Well, I come over a hill and I have never been happy to see the Golden Arches. Whoo hoo! I start to do the poopie dance in my car seat. Woah Missy, don't jiggle too much or your are gonna ruin your cute outfit. So I fly into the parking lot and then you know when ya gotta go and you do that little fast shuffle for fear you may shit right there in the parking lot? Yep, that was me. I shuffle my way into the ladies room and take care of business. BUT THEN, you are faced with the walk of shame: (you know what I am talking about here...) do you sprint back to your car not making any eye contact with Mickie D's employees, or are you guilted into buying something? (You know, does anyone know what the correct etiquette is here?) Well, I didn't have time to ask anyone (plus I ran so fast from my car, I didn't even bring my purse in) so I ran back to my car, and jetted out of that parking lot. My goodness, I didn't even flinch to buy a McGriddle or a coffee. I didn't even notice any of the yummy McDonalds smells. (I am a HUGE fan of their fries...but when will I ever see my slender fried potato friends again?). I made it to work 20 minutes late, but with an empty intestine. I dodged another bullet and my day could finally begin. :)

I am sure you will get more from me this weekend- my mom and nephew are flying in from Kansas, so I am POSITIVE there will be stories to blog about. Plus, my stepson and wife with our 2 grand kiddos are coming up from Columbus, GA. tomorrow to swim and hang out with us as well. Looking forward to good times, but also good blogging material. :) Ciao!

And the fun begins....

God I hate running. Especially when you haven't done this for a few months- ok, years. But, this is Phase II, right? Well, right out of the shoot, I did not make my 5:30 workout wake-up call. I just need to be honest with myself. I hate mornings! I could make sleeping an Olympic sport. I just love, love, love to "zzzzzzzzzzzz". So, I had to have a heart to heart with myself and just commit to working out when I get home everyday from now on. No, sitting down. Just put the work bag in the office, feed and play with the puppies for a little bit, and then go change into workout clothes. It's that simple right? So, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday is cardio (jogging/powerwalking) for 20 minutes. Baby steps, right? Then on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, weights. Eee gads.
So, the first cardio day is in the books. I put some "fun between my legs" and got it goin on. I put Fredly's station on the ipod and off I went up and down the hills around da Hood. I'm bringing sexy back (in a couple months)- LOL. Don't I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck and being a smart ass? :) As soon as I finished (red faced and all), I stripped down, put on my swimsuit and I went straight to the pool. Now that's what I call a cool down. It felt so good. I am going to eventually move from the pavement to the pool for my cardio workouts. I've got a great stationary swim tool that kicks ass! I also found out that Morgan cannot be left alone for 20 frickin minutes. The little poop head chewed the carpet, once again. Sigh. So the little one will be crated during mom's workout time. (I will take all three of them for walks when it's cooler in the evenings.)
So, that's all from the cardio end. I did find out that I think that organic Greek yogurt may not be in the cards for me. Got a little tummy grumbling this afternoon and I don't mean that I was hungry. Oh well, I never really liked yogurt anyway. Will just have to find another protein snack to munch on.

Jesus said, "Go and do likewise," so I am going to do that to with my blogging. (that's what Google said anyway) We will see if I have a funny post in me every day or not. If I don't, then I won't post. So I will continue to post blogs via FB (when I think they are ready for the world), so keep an eye out for a post from ol' Mel.

Until the next post....Malupus- out! :)

Day 28- One chapter closes, another begins

Pre-Cleanse

Post-Cleanse

Well folks, my 28 days have come to a conclusion. You all have been through the good, the bad and the ugly. I can't thank you enough for all the support and well wishes. You are all amazing and I could not have done this without each and every one of you. But, I am not good with good-bye's (like what I do to close out each of my daily blogs- that's why I kinda make it a running joke), so you are all stuck with me as I start Phase II tomorrow. Holy crap! Can't I have a day off? LOL

Well, I celebrated my successful 28 day cleanse by buying a cute dress at EchoDesign, a food processor and a new "do rag" for my Harley excursions. What a combo, eh? I decided not to go out and "eat til I puked". I want to keep this good ride goin. I also celebrated today by giving back. Fred and I rode in Dierks Bentley's Children's Miracle Network Charity Harley Ride. What a great day! It was a very emotional, hot (it was 90) and tiring day. I found strength in the kiddos that spoke at the Harley Dealership that have benefited from the Children's Miracle Network. Oh the stories! It made think about a Lupus Ride. I think that the Atlanta Chapter does a ride in the Fall, but if not, I am going to talk to folks (in my Harley "brothas and sistas" community) and see if we can get one going.

So we did the ride and man, I had goosebumps and almost teared up. There were almost 300 bikes and we had a police escort (which was SO COOL) from Killer Creek Harley to Lake Lanier. It was a 30 mile ride and let me tell you- my ass hurt and I had some sweat in places I never knew could sweat after that ride. But it was so worth it. The hard part was getting back on my bike to ride home- which was another 30+ miles. We made it home and I immediately stripped down, put on my bathing suit and jumped in the pool. I think I had a little heat stroke. I forgot that I can't be out in the sun like I used to. Not good for the Lupus. But, I am recovering, and gearing up for tomorrow- minus a cleanse shake. What the hell am I going to do? I have a couple of scoops left- it's like a drug you can't get off of. But, I am going to venture out and have a healthy fruit protein shake to accommodate my day #1 of cardio. My goal is to get up at 5:30 (I am NOT a morning person...will see how this goes) and do a few laps around the neighborhood. Then, I plan on doing my healthy eating, just like I have done for the past 28 days. I will then alternate days of cardio with strength training. Then, one day a week, I am going to treat myself to a "cheat" day- where I can eat what I want and no exercise. This is the "Body for Life" plan (I have both books-I can lend to anyone interested). We will see how it goes. I will also continue to do monthly body scans to see my progress. Also, some of you have asked the name of my cleanse: The product is XYMOGEN and it's called the "OptiCleanse GHI"- which helps with gastro, autoimmune disorders (like my lupus), glycemic balance and all kinds of other stuff. It's usually under Doctor supervision, so if any of you all are interested, shoot me a message on FB or email and I can give you more information. I can tell you this: it has put me back on a healthy track!

I can't make a decision if I am going to blog daily or not. I just can't decide. You know me, it may not be about Phase II and I still have crazy shit happen to me. So let me know if you want a daily blog post from me or not. I am also going to change the title of my blog. I think I am going to have a contest. Shoot me any ideas you may have as to the title of my blog. I will keep the same URL, just change the title. Heck, maybe I will come up with a PRIZE to the winning submission. I will even pay shipping costs- :)

So with that, Fred has cracked open a bottle of champagne in the kitchen and I am going to have ONE DRINK to toast a successful cleanse and a new journey into Phase II. (Moderation, right?) :)

Looking forward to you all continuing to follow my quest to a happy, and healthier Mel!

No good-bye to close out this entry- just a quote: Don't be dissmayed at good-byes- a farewell is necessary so you can meet again. And meeting again, either after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those that are friends. ~ Richard Bach

Also, since you all have been so supportive, I am also posting my Pre-Cleanse and Post-Cleanse photos for you. I don't know if I am too trusting or just plain stupid.

Hugs!

Malupus ;)

Day 27- 11 lbs. of Fat GONE!

So I had a couple of my blog followers send me messages wondering if I did my body scan as scheduled yesterday or not. Well, I was venting so much yesterday, that I didn't want to turn my blog into a novel so I decided to wait and share my good news with everyone today. (by the way...folks really are reading my blog- this is awesome!!) :)

In the midst of my panic yesterday, I called Dr. Dave and told him my potential scenario that I may have shingles and that it may not be a good day to do my body scan. (see, I set him up to say "come on in!)- and alas, he did say, "it doesn't matter if you have shingles or not- we can still do your body scan if you want." Love Dr. Dave! So I boogied on down to his office and hooked myself up to his magical B.A. machine. (I think it stands for bad ass-- you know, come to think of it, I don't even know what B.A. stands for. The only BA I know is Mr. T from the A-Team) :)
I also had to weigh myself- oh yeah baby! Down 12 1/2 pounds. Whoo to the hoo! Then, the moment of truth: Of the 12 1/2 pounds that I lost, 11 pounds of it was FAT! Yes, F-A-frickin-T! Hot damn! I was stoked!!! Also, my BMI decreased and I increased my healthy cells as well (as a bunch of other scientific lingo mingo that I wont' bore you with- it's because I don't know what the hell some if it means). LOL What a treat! So, we talked next steps... moving on to incorporating back in some foods that I haven't been able to eat in 28 days (strawberries, lemons, beef, pork, dairy)- but I don't know to what extent I am going to do this. I feel so good, that I am afraid to put some foods back into my system. But, like Dr. Dave said, "gradually try one food at a time. If you feel sick or bloated, you probably know that that food probably won't be on your menu items of choice." That's kinda scary. There may be some foods that I may never eat again (or on a very minimal basis). But...ya know, my health is more important. I feel great, I am ready to lose more weight. I am off my predinsone since being on the cleanse, so that is one less lupus medication that I need to take (yay). Also, moderate exercise also is the next step. (hence, the reason to continue on with my blog after the cleanse)- because I am sure I will have some stories!!
So for my followers, one more day of the cleanse blog and I will reveal what my next steps will be with my blog, etc.
Thanks again to everyone for you kind words of support or just telling my mom you are enjoying reading my blog. The goal was for me to stay true through this cleanse, but also for my readers to smile, cry and take a step back and be thankful. We are all very special folks!!!
Until tomorrow... elalleqa! (Good-bye in Arabic)

Day 26- I'm a Roofer

You know why I'm a roofer? Because I have SHINGLES! hahahahahaha! That's a joke compliments of my smart ass husband Fredly. When he was leaving to go to the radio station this afternoon, he gave me a kiss good-bye and said, "I'm sure glad I'm married to a roofer." What? Yeah, you know the punchline. I fell for it hook line and sinker. But, he knew I was on the verge of hysteria, so I needed a good laugh between tears. (that's why I love him!) Now, I don't want you all to think I'm some titty baby. I'm not. I also start to cry when I am really mad- and that really pisses me off that I cry when I am all fired up. Do any of you do that? Can you feel for me? Well, I had "mad as hell" tears this am and I about ripped the inner garage door off its hinges this AM. Here's why:

I am retracting my statement from yesterday's blog that my rhumotologist is kick ass. She's still OK (actually she's a great Doc), but not kick ass- not today. Remember from yesterday that I was to go to her office first thing in the AM? Well, I did. Sat in the waiting room for almost an hour and then, THEN AFTER AN HOUR, the receptionist calls me up to say "Dr. XXX needs you to make an appointment. She can't squeeze you in this morning. I have a 2:45 this afternoon." WHAT???? Man, if they took my blood pressure right then and there, I would have been off the charts- WTF? Shit, I could have called from home this morning and made an appointment- and stayed in my jammies. I think that's what pissed me off more- I cleaned up to get in there at 9:00am. Ahhhhh! Ok, so I gave the receptionist a stare down and said very stern, "FINE. I'll take it." Well, she knew she had me by the balls, and I hate that. What was I going to say? "Oh, let's look at next week and let whatever is growing on my ass keep growing." Grrrr...so I storm out of the Dr.'s office and drive home just steaming. I had to shut my sun roof and turn on the air I was so mad. So, I go home, pull in the garage, walk into the mud room and SLAM the door! "Jesus, do you have to slam the door?", I hear from someones upstairs office. Well yes, I did. Because you know why? I tried to call Fred at home from my car to vent about my "situation" and he wouldn't pick up the phone. He was on the line chatting with someone- DOESN'T HE KNOW THAT WHEN I CALL, YOU PICK UP? There is a reason we have call-waiting. It's so I don't have to wait. (sorry, I had a little princess moment this morning). And bless Fred's heart, he knows I have been through the ringer this week. He just kept talking to me from upstairs and wouldn't come down to talk to me. I don't blame him. I probably would have ripped his head off and he didn't deserve that. So, once he knew I had cooled down, he tip toed down stairs. Well, it was the calm before the storm. I lost it. Not on him. Just venting about Doctor and how I was treated....yada yada yada- hence the mad tears. They came out flowing like I needed a rain barrel to catch em. He was mad too. And believe me, you do not want an Italian Ex-Marine pissed off. He coulda snapped that little receptionist in two. So best that he went to work while I made my SECOND visit back to see my Doc- at 2:45. Hmmm, I got in right at 2:45 and didn't have to wait. Sure enough, it was shingles. Well shit, I could have shook the Magic 8 ball and told her that. Just give me a frickin prescription so I can go home. But..I did take liberty to tell her how I felt and didn't appreciate her telling me to come in to her office to then have to turn around, go home and come back. Thank goodness we aren't far from the Dr.'s office. She did apologize to me, but treaded lightly- she knew I had that "look" and one smart ass or incorrect statement out of her and I was going Jerry Springer on her ass.

Any whoo, gotta go run and pick up my new medication. Dang, I am a walking pharmacy right now. Do you all need anything? Codine? Flexeril? Allegra? Yaz? (hahaha) Speaking of Yaz, I will leave you with my favorite SNL clip: http://www.hulu.com/watch/10234/saturday-night-live-annuale This is me some days, especially today. LOL. Enjoy! 2 days to go! 2 days to go! Selemat tinggal (Good-bye in Malay)