My Wild Dinner With Wonderful Wanda

You know if I am blogging, it’s something funnier than whale shit that I can’t make up and I have to document for proof.  Plus, Fredly was there (as was Caytee and Jonathan), so I have witnesses.

 

Ok…here goes:

 

So, long day at the office for both of us- I’m not cooking, so you know what that means: EL RANCHERO!  Favorite Mexican Restaurant this side of Decatur (little Georgia humor).  So, you know us- early to rise, early to bed, so its 5:30- time for dinner!  We always sit in the bar and talk to our favorite bartender, “Ricky”- (now I know. it’s really not his name, but we roll with it).  We are having a pitcher of Mic Ultra and some cheese dip w/ jalapenos, catching up with each other and unwinding, when BAM!  In walks and wheels in our new BFFs.  Holy shit, its Thelma and Louise (found out later in the evening their names are Michelle and Wanda).  Well Wanda “aka Wonderful Wanda” and “Towanda” when she is drunk- yes, she told us this…is this sweet ol woman in a wheelchair with her oxygen tank, electric cigarette and decked out in her Christmas sweater and a Whiskey Street leather jacket (yes, get your visual…) and her very nice sidekick Michelle.  Well Wanda doesn’t party in her wheelchair.  She puts that baby in park and jumps up right in the seat next to Fredly.  “Is this a real bar?” she says.  Ricky shakes his head yes.”Well then get me a Southern Comfort and a splash of diet coke”.  What a woman!  Fred and I give each other smirks.  This is gonna get REAL.  J   Well, Wonderful Wanda and Michelle order food and we say hello to them…but at the other end of the bar, we have the following train wrecks:

§         Stripper girl with her boyfriend of 5 years (found out she’s 22..you do the math) and he doesn’t have a job and she’s bitchin at him that he’s never had a job while they slam pitcher after pitcher of bud light and smoking menthols outside like they are crack.  I didn’t catch her “rack”…but Fredly informed me they were large.  Hmm…guess that’s why every time she got up from the bar to smoke all the male wait staff ended up in the bar watching her walk outside.  Lord.

§         Drunk lady and her boyfriend who yells “HELL YEAH!  GO OHIO STATE” every 5 minutes.  What the hell?  Well, that stirs up the jobless, toothless, bud light drinking “stud” to yell “GO MICHIGAN STATE”.  Again…what the hell?   I wanted to yell “GO BIG RED” just to shut them up, but for some reason good judgment was still on my side.  (Fredly was thankful for that too.)

§         Drunk tall redneck guy who is in between Michelle and the stripper who tries to jump into the melee and Wonderful Wanda leans forward with her Southern Comfort and says, “Just keep your big ass trap shut.  I’m trying to hear why this dirt bag doesn’t have a job”.  Yep, she was ear hustling on all the conversations at the bar, as was I. 

 

I know I am leaving stuff out…I am trying to type this as fast as I can so I don’t forget what I just witnessed.  Damn, if I didn’t have to give a big presentation for work tomorrow, I would be right there with Wonderful Wanda probably doing a shot.  But she ended up leaving before us to go to Brucey’s across the street to watch her friend in bowling league.  (I know. I can’t make this up).

 

Back to the story….so we are eating and Wonderful Wanda ran out of chips.  She starts whistling and yelling “CHIPS!  CHIPS DAMMIT!”   Well, there was no wait staff to be found, so I reached over with my basket of chips and dumped some into her basket.  That was all it took.  We are now besties for life.  So much that she gave me her taco and leftover cheese dip to take home.   (Bless her heart).   What was more important was Ricky needed to tend to her as her Southern Comfort had run dry.   This woman needs a drink!  I wish I could remember everything that came out of this woman’s mouth.  She had Fredly and I crying.  Absolutely hilarious!  

 

She slams her second Southern Comfort with a splash and next thing I know, she’s literally jumping off her bar stool back in to her wheelchair.  Oh no, was the fun over?  Was she leaving?  Nope.  “I gotta go take a piss”, as she announces to the bar.  Well, normally that is Fredly’s sign that it’s time for the check and to get the heck out of there.  Hell to the no!  We order another ½ pitcher (I have a presentation tomorrow, remember...) because I want to see where this circus it taking us.  And now you won’t believe the next story.  

 

All of these stories could be turned into a sitcom…just saying.

 

So now, Wonderful Wanda’s friend Michelle has warmed up to us and has scooted over next to Fred.   “So how did you two meet?”  So of course, Fredly shares our romantic story…”Aw….that’s so sweet”. (Such a southern response”.) BUT…we were NOT prepared for what story came next.   “You want to know how I met my first husband?”  Oh, you know me:  “Yes, please tell us”, I exclaim!

 

Buckle in… (And again…I cannot make this shit up):

 

In Michelle’s raspy Marlboro smoking voice:

“Well, when I was younger…I was in jail (yep...started out just like that) and there was this beautiful woman in the holding cell with me and all she did was cry day and night. (Hold up…if it’s a holding cell, how the hell long were you in jail)- Note:  Found out later in the story her boyfriend had cocaine in the house and the cops raided the house and arrested her... Back to the story:  Anyway, the beautiful woman had three kids and she never had enough phone time to be able to talk to all three kids.  So I would sign the phone log for her so she could talk to her kids.  So…finally she got out of jail and it ends up that one of three kids that the crying lady was talking to waited until Michelle was set free.  They ended up dating and getting married.  WTF?   WOW.

 

Well 20 minutes later, I ask where Wonderful Wanda is.  Did she fall in to the toilet?  Michelle reassured us that it takes her a bit to pee.  So back comes Wanda and she’s ready to go to Brucey’s.  “Hey, gimme your phone number”, she yells at me.  What was I to do?  Say no?  I want to see her again.  As we found out we thought we were partying with an 80 year old woman in a wheelchair.  Find out- she’s 66!  OMG!  Well, regardless, we exchanged numbers and I will be waiting impatiently by my cell phone (not) for Wonderful Wanda to ring me up and party next week at El Ranchero. 

 

Until next time—you are never too old to party.  My hero, Wonderful Wanda.

Man!  Wish I didn't have to work tomorrow. 

My Crazy Friday Happenings...and They All Happened During My Lunch Break!

Wow....here I was trying to scrap together blog material for this week and BLAMMO! it hits ya right smack dab in your face- and in a 40 minute span.  Let's get to it:

11:30am:  I need a break.  I have been working since 6:00am, my greyhound sweet Reba is at the vet for a toe removal (cancer) and I'm a stress box.  Time to get out of my home office and grab some lunch. 
My first stop is I have been in search for some Ancho Chile Paste.  Of course my husband and I watched this amazing crock pot recipe on the cooking channel for pork butt wrapped in banana leaves and all these fun Mexican spices, so hell yeah I have to make it!  Who knew that finding all the ingredients was the hard part.  Fred found the banana leaves at the International Food Market (love ATL!), but no Ancho Chile Paste.  Well, I had an idea.  I trekked down Grayson Parkway to a strip of Mexican restaurants, shops and grocery stores.  Surely I will find some in one of these strip mall stores.  OMG- what an experience!  So I walk into this grocery store and it's not your typical grocery store.  It's a make-shift restaurant/grocery store/slot machines!  Wait!  I know those slot machines have to illegal along with the "illegals" that are playing them.  What the hell have I walked into?  Here is this white female cracker with her new KD Lang haircut, just trying to find some damn ancho paste.  Well, no one speaks English and I can't even understand the broken Spanish that the lady behind the cash register was speaking- I even think she was Indian.  Where the hell was I?  Well, I found my paste!!  I notice there isn't a sticker price on it.  This should be good...." $4.00", the Spanish/Indian/I don't know what Nationality she is says.  WTH?  I know I am getting screwed.  First she isn't charging me tax.  So slim shady.  Hey, I got my paste.  I gave her the $4.00 for probably a 99 cent pack of paste and got the hell out there.

11:40am:  Kroger grocery store.  I need to pick up some lime juice, an onion and corn tortillas for my crock pot masterpiece. Well, you know the main reason for going to the grocery store:  DISCOUNTED VALENTINES DAY CANDY!  Come on! I'm not fooling anyone!!   Of course I picked up 2 bags of Dove dark chocolate hearts for $1.74/bag.  Score-a-rama!  I also got all my other "necessities" for my crock pot extravaganza tomorrow.  But wait- hold on.  As I roll out with my mini buggy- who is there at the door.  GIRL SCOUTS!!!  Shit.  How can I say no to these cuties??  I had already bought the mother load from my #1 niece Campbell in Kansas, but for some reason, our boxes have been depleted. (smile).  Well, you can't walk by the girl scouts.  They looked so cute!  Trying to bypass them is like walking through a a fire ring.  So of course, I stop and my heart just melts.  "Ma'am, do you want to buy some cookies???"  OMG.  First, they called me Ma'am.  Then I look at the two of them.  Looking them in the eye is like you are being put into a cookie spell. They were so tiny- all wrapped in their jackets and scarves- and toothless. One had a snotty nose, and the other one had glasses that were just too cute with her big brown eyes showing through.  I'm so screwed.  So I say, "Ok, girlie's, I want one box of Samoas and one box of Do-si-do's".  What happened next was priceless.  They start screaming and cheering and jumping up and down- so what do I do?  I start jumping up and down and screaming and yelling with them.  It was classic.  I had all the girl scout moms on the floor.  And you know what, it made me just smile from ear to ear.  They made my day and I think I made theirs.  So I paid for my sinfully yummy cookies and headed it down to my next errand, the ATM.

11:50- ATM- Lord.  I was three cars deep.  But, the great thing is that my ATM is in this strip mall where "Satin and Lace" is.  Those of you from the hood know what this store is-- for you others, you can let you mind race- they sell EVERYTHING- if you know what I mean- wink, wink, nudge, nudge.  It's your "50 Shades" superstore.  Now keep in mind it's 11:50 in the morning.  And what do you know...while waiting in the ATM line, a couple came out with a big black bag.  Well, alllrriiighgght!  Now, I wish I could adequately describe this couple, but it's like watching a scary movie- you want to look away, but you can't.  She was probably a foot taller and wider than the man she was walking with hand in hand.  As soon as they left the shop, he immediately lit up.  Wow.  You go boy, he must be gearing up for a fun evening- hell maybe even an afternoon ahead of him.  And I SWEAR he was wearing a Members Only jacket and had the 80's mustache to go with it. Awesome and classy.  LOL

11:50-12:00 noon.  Holy shit.  I am going to come unglued!  This Toyota highlander that has been at the ATM for well over 5 minutes is driving me crazy!  What was she doing? Writing checks and depositing them at the ATM?  My lord.... I don't have the patience. ATM's are for quick services.  Not to do your nails and makeup.  Thank the lord I had a car between us, otherwise I was ready to ram her ass up into the Satin and Lace showroom.  Whoo lawd!  I was beginning to wonder if she died.  Now that would be my luck.  I get all my errands run in a 30 minute time span to be caught up by some lady who dies in the ATM lane.  Whew!  Thank the lord she finally moved- just enough to probably count all her bills- and the poor car in the middle of us can't pull up and do his transaction because the jack wagon in the Toyota didn't pull up enough.  That's it.  HONK! HONK! HONK!   (that's my car by the way).  Couldn't take it any longer.  Well I scared her that she threw it in drive and almost damn near did go through Satin and Lace.  Thank the lord she didn't - then I would have been an accomplice and sure wouldn't have made it back in time to start work back up. 

Let me tell you...that 30 minutes definitely took my mind of Reba and any work stresses.  Word to the wise- take those lunch breaks- you never know what can happen.  :-)  TGIF!!! 

Um, you're sick, Coughey McGee!

I used to be guilty of this.  I would go in to work with a nasty cough, snotty ass nose and who knows what else.  I guess working for the CDC for six years now, I have become a germ-a-phobe and have learned not to take your sickness to work and infect others.  I have to be. With sjogrens, my auto immue system just doesn't fight off the nasty bugs like I used to.

FOR INSTANCE, today!  Well, first off, my body has been in total shock today.  Friday is usually a work-from-home day.  I get out of bed with crazy hair and jammies, make a cup of Joe, and get ready to rock and roll from the home office.  Today was not that day.  We had one of our super partners in town conducting a learning academy for college professors that teach health education.  Well, you know I love me some training, so I hopped in the shower, put on my cute clothes with some CUTENESS red heels and headed off to the Airport Westin.  It was great catching up with my training buds before the event started, found a primo spot at a table front and center in the meeting room, got my journal and uniball out ready to take notes, cell phone on vibrate and BAM!  Let's get to the first presenter.

Well, folks start coming in with their college teams in drones and before you know it, the room is packed.  I have a chair next to me open (awesome) just in case my work bag needs a place to rest. (smile)- I look at my table; all the ladies look nornmal- one smiled at me and said hello- I said "hey" back.   Introductions are taking place and our grantee takes a minute to introduce me (since I'm from CDC) and I stand up, make sure my dress isn't up my butt crack, and smile and wave to the group.  As I am sitting back down, a latecomer comes in the back of the meeting room door and is heading right for my empty seat and she is HACKING LIKE A MOFO!  OMG!  Nooooooooo!  Great.  I not only am front-and-center as this table, but now I'm at The Walking Dead Hackville Table.  Not only is Coughey McGee hacking up a lung, but so are her other teammates.  Hooooleeee balls.  Really?  So I squint to see where they are from.  New York.  Really?  So you are avoiding the major blizzard of the year here in the ATL but you brought all your nasty ass germs with you? Thank you soooo much!  So while they continue to cough, I have to shoot a stare at all three of them with the following eye-contact message:  If you pieces of dog crap get me sick, I am going to drive back in to the city tomorrow and kick each one of your assess all across this Westin!!  Well, I must have scared one of them because she dug in her purse and gave everyone coughing a cough drop.  Really?  You think that is going to save the world?  A halls cough drop?  Well, Coughey McGee can't even get it down.  She opens her mouth and this cough that comes deep from her bowels and sounds like 5 pounds of flem is connected to it comes out of her mouth.  OMG.  I look straight at her and she's sweating like a whore in church.  Hell, she probably has a fever too!  I'm telling you....if I get sick, there will be hell to pay!   I can hear the three of them whispering to "Coughey" to "you should probably go upstairs and rest".  Really?  Hey, I have a follow-up question:  Why did you even come?  Well now I am so paranoid that I'm going to get the clap, that I hear what seems to be every fricking person in that room coughing.  OMG.  I'm not going to come out of this room alive.  Well, I had had enough.  I leaned over to "Coughey" (within speaking distance- I didn't want to get too close), and like I had a special CDC germ badge told her, "You know, if you are sick, you probably don't want to spread your contageous germs to everyone else in this room.  Sorry, but I really don't want to be sick myself."  BAM.   That's all it took.  Coughey left the meeting.    Be gone sinus-infection, flem coughing, sweaty infected person!   I'm sorry, but come on!!!  Obviously she was way sick.  And, for that, I get another star on my "Bitch of the Year" badge.  Oh well, at least I looked good.  Everyone in that training will thank me at a later time for this intervention.  Now, off to go do my netti pot and chug some nyquil. 

Annie Get Yer Gun

What a weekend!  Yes, I know, I haven't blogged in a while.  Sorry for that.  But, man I've been crazy busy!  From work, to working out, eating healthy, looking for a gun....whoa, what?  Yes, that last piece is correct. (heh, heh, I said "piece")  I have been gun shopping and I'm proud to say I am an owner of a Smith and Wesson Bodyguard 380.  So several folks have asked me "why are you buying a gun?"  Well, we have had several break-ins in the neighborhood over the past year, a recent murder in the subdivision a mile away and then the home invasion that made National news a few weeks back where the woman was in the attic and ended up shooting the robber in the face while her husband was on the phone with 911 was also a few miles away.  Since I am working from home now 3 days a week, Fred and I felt I needed a little more protection than a 5 iron.  (smile). Plus, when I go on long rides on my Harley with my girlfriend Christy, Fred wants me to have this on me for protection as well. 

But, let me tell you, getting a gun was CRAY-ZEE!  Gun shops all over Atlanta are BARE!  Everyone is buying everything they can get their hands on.  We went into a shop last week, just to look and do a bit of research and this lady in front of us walked up to the counter and said, "I like this pink one; I'll take it!"  WTH?   The same thing happened this Saturday.  Well, let me back up.  Fred and I were totally stoked and rednecked out on Saturday- we were going to our first GUN SHOW!  I had on my flannel and boots ready to rock it.  Hell, I really looked like I was headed to an Indigo Girls concert, but what the hell.  Well, no sooner did we get in the parking lot, but turn right back around.  It was almost 1500 people deep just to get in the FRONT DOOR!  Are you kidding me?  Just for a frickin gun show?  This is how crazy it is.  So, hmmmm....if everyone in Gwinnett County is here, why not go to a gun shop?  Well, off we went to a gun store where Fred had found the "perfect gun" for me.  No sooner did we walk in the door and a couple asked for the BodyGuard 380, but she cocked it, looked at and said "I'll take it!".  Holy shit balls!  Are you fricking kidding me?  (Note: several other swear words came out of my mouth, but I will save you the censorship).  Unbelievable!!!  So we were "0-fer" for the day at it wasn't even 11:00am.

This didn't deter the Fredmaster.  He called every gun shop from here to Columbus. And low and behold, Shooters in Columbus just got a shipment of the 380's in and he had 10 of them.  Well, that was all we needed- an excuse to see the Grandkids and get a couple guns- we hope.  And we hope is just the thing; Columbus is two hours from our house.  From the time we left our driveway to the parking lot of Shooters, they frickin sold 6 OF THEM!!!   I would have been SO PISSED.   Fred said later if they would have sold out after driving down, he would have bought another gun and then pistol-whipped the shit of the sales guy that wouldn't take our credit card over the phone to hold them for us.  Thank goodness, Mr. Short Fuse didn't have to go Ex-Marine on them. 

Well, this is just the beginning of owning a firearm.  Today, on MY DAY OFF, Fred got me up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the Gwinnett Co Courthouse to get my conceal license.  I was not a happy camper, but oh well, nothing a pair of sweat pants and ball cap wouldn't cover up.  Well, NOT SO FAST.  I didn't know that they had to TAKE YOUR PICTURE!  Great.  I have bed head and now the entire probate court has to see my crazy ass hair.  Note pictures below- it was quite the site- I looked like a cross between Nick Nolte and Randy Travis' mugshots.  And I think the whole line heard me say "Dammit, Fred!  I have hat head for my photo opt".  Glad I can be humor for everyone in Gwinnett County.  Well after an hour for paperwork and fingerprints, it will be 60-90 days before I get my conceal license.  I overhead one of the gals "behind the bars" say they have processed over 1500 licenses in January alone.  WOW.  Well, make it 1501.  This bitch is packin heat!!!


(See pictures below....)

  What I felt like I looked like for my photo opt












What I really looked like- Ugh.






Thank GOD I didn't look like this.  But how badass would that be??  (smile)

Zumba, Zumba, Zumba

(No pictures this edition to protect the innocent and keep my mad Zumba skills on the down low……)

Let me start by saying, I love Zumba!!  Who would have thunk it?  I have one of the best teachers around!  She works your ass off- she has some mad Zumba skills; if you don’t leave the class in a bucket of sweat, you aren’t working.

 

But….what I won’t do is go early ever again.  Lord have mercy!  The only reason I went early is that Lenae’s classes get packed with the “New Years Resolutioners”.  I am accustomed to “my spot” on the gym floor.  So, I wanted to be sure I put my water and towel down on the floor to mark my territory.   Well low and behold, I got my spot (victory!) but I noticed this lady out of the corner of my eye looking at me.  Oh no, no, no!  Don’t open your mouth- before I could even talk myself out if I had already blurted out “Hi there” to the gal.   That was all it took.  She was coming over to me.  Shit.  Great.  Where were my gals that are my Zumba pals?  They are always here by now and are great buffers; plus they are fun to talk to.  I don’t even know this gal.  Sigh……here it comes.  “Did you go to the Bowl game?”  HUH?   Oh yeah, duh.  I had my Nebraska/Georgia Bowl Shirt on.  So I reply, “No, just got the $9.00 shirt at Sams”.  There maybe that will shut her up.  Nope.  Plus I was dumb enough to say I went to Nebraska.  That opened the flood gates.  So I had to hear from Chatty Cathy about her life story of living in Ohio and how she has to go back frequently to care for her Mother with dementia and her Father who is hard of hearing.  I thought about making the comparison that I have a dog with dementia, but I don’t think she would have got my humor.  HA!!!  (Jennifer, Grace and Gwen, you HAVE to get back to class, stat!)

 

Thanks goodness the clock struck 7:30 and time to get my groove on.  Gotta grab a swig of water and a stick of gum.  Oh no, balls!  I forgot I packed my crap gum that lasts 5 minutes.  How is this going to get me through an hour of “moving like Jagger?”  LOL. 

 

We were about 20 minutes into class and I notice there are several elderly people walking around the outskirts of our class.  This Zumba class is in a church gymnasium, so there must have been a bible study class that is happening at the same time.  While I was doing my hot zumba gyrating, I noticed this old dude (had to have been 80+) walking as close to the wall away from us as he could.  But that little devil, he was trying not to look, but you know he was watching my ass shake.  It took all the powers that be in me not to go over there and shimmy up against him!!  Oh man, would that have been a HOOT!  But, if he would have dropped dead from a boner, that wouldn’t have been very cool. (smile)

 

Anyhoo, class rocked out and I sweated away cleanse protein shakes and farted out garlic and hummus gases from lunch earlier in the day. What a way to get it out of the system anonymously. Those poor women behind me.  That’s one of the other many reasons of why  I love Zumba class- the music is so loud, you could fart the Star Spangled Banner and no one would hear ya!!!

Alright, enough on my Zumba class.  Happy TGIF to you all!  Until the next edition.......

Who Turned The Heat Up and Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me???

Ok....whose idea was it to turn up the frickin heat on my run today at lunch and no one told me?? 

(lookie here to the left....)

This dumb ass should have looked at the temperature before heading out in her running tights, fleece and stocking hat.  Duh!
Needless to say, I sweat my boobies off today on Day 2 of "Couch to 5K".  Um, note to self: no need to wear all this gear when its 61 DEGREES OUT!!!  Good lord.  If I didn't look goofy running already I am sure I looked crazy truckin down Rosebud. For my running track, I do an "out" and back "in" route to my car, so I considered shedding clothes and the STOCKING HAT (nerd)...but then I got to thinking "I don't want to cause a traffic jam stripping all this hotness off"  HA!  I didn't want to make it "rain down on Rosebud" with all the dollar bills being thrown my way(again, um not) from the drivers by. 



Then, to make matters worse 1) my gum pooped out on me and 2) my new skull candy earbuds aren't cutting it.  Let's break it down first with my cheap ass gum.  I guess that's what I get for buying a 3 pack at Dollar Tree.  I thought "what a deal!".  My favorite gum for a buck!!  Well, it's probably an expired pack from 2004 because that's what it tasted like.  Hell, it didn't even get me midway of my run.  And then the bad thing is, I didn't want to spit it out.  I needed something to pass the time with tunes I can barely hear in my ears.  My gum was so lame, the pic to the left shows the pathetic bubble I got of the last bit of my bubble gum.  Now my earbuds are another story- well, maybe it's the "CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP" of my heavy feet on the pavement- I'm going with the earbuds as the problem, not the user (smile).  I had a major jam going on my mix today: Fine Young Cannibals, Dokken (yes, I typed Dokken), Pink and Cake to name a few.  What pissed me off, was during my jog stretches, it was "in CLOMP, my CLOMP, dreams..CLOMP".  Holy balls- at the least I could attempt to get with the beat with my hooves, but NOOOO....so that was a total distraction. 

Welp, isn't this a fine pic?????  This a goober head that had a stocking hat on during a heat wave...now, a couple things here; a) I need a frickin HAIRCUT!!! b) See those beads of sweat?  Well, they are actually droplets of vodka that have been in my system since New Year's Eve. c) Don't be deceived by the Southeast Cross County shirt.  I wear that to make people do a double-take.  ("Did that woman really run cross country??")  Let me answer that for you- HELL TO THE NO.  I stole that shirt out of lost and found from Lincoln Southeast HS back in 1999.  You know that t-shirt that feels so good, you hate to throw it away?  Yep, it's this one for me.  Plus I love wearing it to the gym  to soak in all the crazy looks. 

Check this pic out!!  This is my post workout lunch:  Quinoa with sweet potatoes, arugula and parm cheese.  You know, not bad.  It's hard to put a finger on what it tasted like.  I know for a fact it isn't going to fly with Fredly.  I'm going to totally have to disguise it in a casserole or something.  I'd eat it again- so BAM!    Tonight I made a low fat Italian Wedding Soup with turkey meatballs.  It was delishousness!!  Hell, I'm turning in to quite the Betty Crocker.

All in all, not a bad day.  I'm down 3 pounds, day 7 of the cleanse and I'm still smiling.  Now tomorrow goes to 4 shakes and one meal for three days.  Lord help us all- but bonus for you all- that's when the blogs get REALLY GOOD-- until the next post- Later!



I need a Pintervention.........

Yes, both of these pins came from Pinterest.  Yes, I pin a lot. Yes, I probably need a "Pintervention". (don't we all??) But, I do use a lot of the pins- especially now with "healthapocalypse" 2013 and I'm on day 7 of my cleanse.  This past weekend I turned my kitchen into a "test kitchen".  I made:

*http://www.gimmesomeoven.com/cranberry-pistachio-energy-bites/  - Healthy Energy Bites
*http://www.fitandglutenfree.com/2012/12/gluten-free-crock-pot-chicken-piccata.html- Crock Pot Chicken Piccata
(both are delish and give em 2 double chins up!)

And now I'm going to try this thang call Quinoa.  Buckle up, Fredly.  We are going rogue with food!!

With the madness of pinning, it was also a distraction to my workout on Sunday.  Maybe I was just procrastinating. I made the decision that I would restart the "couch to 5k" workouts on my cleanse.  If you recall, I did run my first ever 5K last June.  I survived, but man, I won't lie, it was tough. Yes, I won my age group, yes, I ran a PR, but that's just it: I am too competitive with myself. So much that I didn't jog again until I forced myself to get on a treadmill this past Fall. I kept waiting for the running bug to bite me in the ass, but the little bitch never showed up.  The only thing that bit me was the pizza, wings and beer bug.  And let me tell you, that bug is AWESOME to hang with!

So back to Sunday.  I had every excuse in the book not to get out and get my running workout in. If it wasn't my obsession with pinning, it was the weather wasn't warm enough outside.  Then it was the decision of what outfit to wear.  Now THAT, my friends was really the issue; how was I going to fit my ass into my running tights?  Well, the temp got above 50, so I got myself off the cozy couch, pulled my workout gear out of my cedar chest and BAM! the ass fit into the tights! Mission accomplished! So I put the rest of the gear on and of course, the final test....the husband comments.  "Fred, do I look fat in these tights?"  "Will I scare little kids that are driving by in minivans?" "Will I scare other joggers off the course?"  I love that he just rolls his eyes.  It didn't matter how I looked, I know that he wouldn't let me out of the house if I looked hideous.  (hell, maybe he was scoping out my backside on the way out of the house; if he was, I gave it a little shake just in case when I headed out to the garage).

Off to Bay Creek Middle School.  The great thing is that we live by a school where there is a long, straight and flat road (to be nameless for those in Grayson, GA area- don't want you catching a glimpse of greatness going down the road- HA- not!) with good sidewalks that is about a 5K distance.  So for workouts building up to a 5K, it's great!  Well, I completed the workout with success! Holla!  But, back to the first picture above.  That's totally how I felt.  When I was out there jogging, I felt like I was Super Jogger Mel out there; but really, I probably looked like the second picture.  But hey, I got out there and I'm going to stick to it.   Off to Zumba tonight- and you know how my mad dancing skills are.  (smile)  So watch out to all the ladies, young and old tonight. This gal is ready to get her groove on.  Until the next blog.........

Friday Mornings Are Not Supposed To Be This Stressful

Seriously!!  What the hell was I thinking!!!  Why did I schedule BOTH Bogey and Reba (note photo above documenting the chaos in the car going to the groomer- don't hate on the driver with no make up on :-)) for grooming appointments at the SAME TIME????  My lord.  Just getting them in the car was nuts.  For Reba to successfully get in any vehicle, she has to get a running start to jump in the car.  Well, the car was in the garage, so she couldn't get her running start.  So she just stood there, looking at the back seat.  So I picked her back end up and got her in the car.  One down, one to go.  (not so fast....)  Now it was time to get Ol Man Bogey into the back seat.  Well, he can't jump in the car anymore, so I have to pick him up and put him in the back seat.  Lifting 72 pounds of dead weight and bad hips (both Bogey and me) isn't what I had planned for this morning.  And, to add to the craziness, as soon as I opened the back door to the Camry, Reba jumped out. Shit.  Yes, there were several swear words going on in the Fahrenbruch garage.  I sure hope all the little kiddos at my neighbor's day care across the street were safely in the house because this woman was swearing like a sailor!  Finally, I got both crackheads in the backseat.  Then I hear this baby HOWL at the backdoor.  It's Morgan.  He's pissed because he wants to go too.  Well, after poopgate last night, I sure as hell wasn't going to leave him home alone.  So I picked him up and plopped him in the front seat and away we went.

(Here are the three amigos finally in the car)

I will reiterate again....what in the wackoland of hell was I thinking?  I had to look like the crazy lady with three dogs going down the highway (mind you....in AM rush hour traffic).  I am SURE I got some looks.  All I could think of was I must have looked like a clown car and the music of "Afro Circus" from Madagascar 3 was ringing in my head. 










(Reba...get your frickin nose outta my EAR!)





(Sweet ol' Bogey.  He loves to ride in the car.  Hell, he probably doesn't even know he's in the car)







(And...here's the captain of this crazy ship cruisin down the road.  Morgie LOVES to ride in the car, especially in the front seat on my leg)
















So I finally get to groomer and I can see the gals in the window laughing at me.  I have dog heads sticking out of the windows and there is a line of frozen drool down the side of the Camry where Reba went crazy.  Lawd....what a hot mess.  So then the trick is to get each dog out one by one so they don't run away.  Well, Reba still thinks she is at the race track, so any door that opens she busts right through.  This morning was no different.  The trick is to crack the door, and stick your arm in and grab her leash.  Well, she must have been excited for her "beautification day" because she didn't give me a chance to grab her leash.  Holy balls.  Thank Goodness I have my Holiday thunder thighs still, because I had her head squeezed between my thighs until I grabbed her leash. Thank the lord I finally got her inside the groomers- and I was in serious need of a lint brush!  Then I remember: holy shit- I left the keys in the ignition!!  What if that little bugger Morgan hits the lock button on the driver side door.  So I sprint out to the car and sure enough, he was on standing on the door handle but thank GOODNESS he didn't lock the door.  Wouldn't Fred have LOVED a call from me this AM to come bring a spare set of keys because I have two dogs locked in the Camry in the groomers parking lot.  So I get Bogey out of the car and as we are heading to the front door of the groomers, he pops a squat- right there on the sidewalk.  Wonderful.  And of course the groomer gals are rolling at this point.  So I get him in the door and one of them already has the poop bag ready for me.  BUT...get this; I have to take the poop bag home with me.  They won't take it!  WTH?  I was tempted to give it a whirl, but instead I put the smelly ass bag in the trunk.  OH CRAP!  It's still in there! (best be gettin that and putting in the trash, stat).  (smile).   Thank goodness the pickup and ride home was uneventful. I think this is enough excitement for a Friday for me.  Happy Weekend All!!! 

Morgan Did A Dookie

Really?  Really?   I am gone for one hour to go workout and you take a dump on the floor?   Little Morgie……..

I will spare you all the actual picture of the pile of dingleberries the little guy left on the floor.

 

Two hours earlier, Fred and I were JUST laughing about this picture on Facebook this afternoon when I got home and how much he looks like Morgan.  Didn’t know that this pic was going to come to life- and in such a short time.

 

And it wasn’t like he was home alone for 8 hours today and had no accidents- but I’m gone for one stinking hour and my house become the shit palace.   And…it didn’t help that he just loves on me like nothing happened…. PLUS…Fred was upstairs playing his bass guitar when this poopfest occurred- was Morgan mad because he couldn’t sing backup with him?

 

Just the night before he got up in the middle of the night and barfed up pieces of a squeaky ball I got at PetSmart last week for him.   The shopvac has become a staple in the house for cleaning up the carpet.  

 

Thank God Tomorrow’s Friday.

Southern New Year’s Day Traditions, Cleansing and Detoxifying for 2013

Greetings y’all!!  I feel like I am at confessional, and I’m not even Catholic- It’s been 8 months and 24 days since my last blog post.   Thank you to each of you (you know who you are) who have been encouraging me to get back to writing.  Welp, here I am!!   

 

First, let’s get up to date on everything:

§         Still have Sjogrens (bummer- but doing well; meds work; joints still hurt, but still kickin it)

§         Same job and lovin it

§         Still have three dogs (sort of)

o       Bogey is going on 13, but doesn’t know where he is (Doggie Dementia) or what the hell he is barking at.  Poor guy.  He’s on more meds than I am for my Sjogrens. PLUS he’s on human Prozac!  Poor guy.  He wears a ThunderShirt (thank you Kim Lane) even when it’s sunny out b/c of his anxiety.  Pants like a whore in church and paces the house all night.  Lord help us with this one….

o       Reba is now the Evander Holyfield of Greyhounds.  Thanks to crazy dog mentioned above, Reba was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got a chunk of her ear bit off.  That was quite a scene.  Looked like an excerpt from Dexter in our house.  Needless to say, I am still finding blood strewn all over the walls.

o       Morgan.  Morgie is still a little bundle of cuteness - just a little more of him now.  We both got a scolding from our vet last week b/c he is 3 pounds overweight.  In mini dachshund talk that’s like I need to sign him up for the Biggest Loser.  So all the dogs are pissed b/c they are now on healthy weight dog food that must taste like ass.  Sorry gang, no more Ol’ Roy.

 

§         Since Morgie is a little chunky I decided I needed to do my yearly cleanse too (cause I got a little chunky myself over the Holidays).  So starting today, I am at it with my shakes, back to my exercise regimen and all that nonsense that goes with it.  My body is in a little caffeine shock today and I really want a Christmas cookie.   I threw all the junk out yesterday and Fred almost tackled me at the trash can to save his graham cracker squares.  He thinks he isn’t going through this with me.  Well guess what?  He is.  Not the shakes, but the healthy eating that goes along with it- and I hope we stick with it after the 28 days.  The holiday season kicked my ass.  I was an eating and drinking fool.  Time to suck it up and get back on the healthy eating fitness track. 

§         The Huskers still lost their bowl game yesterday.  I am licking my wounds today.  I guess my Georgia residency didn’t get revoked and we are still living in the land of Bulldogs.  I’m getting quite the harassment from friends and neighbors- that’s ok.  Still a Husker, always a HUSKER.  GBR!

 

Now that we are up to speed, I can get to more interesting things.  Yesterday was the annual New Year’s dinner at our neighbor’s house.  She cooks the whole sha-bang:  Pork tenderloin, collard greens (eating these in the South brings you money in 2013), black eyed peas (brings you good luck), Mac and cheese (just brings you a fat ass in 2013) and all the rest of the delicious Southern trimmings.  This meal has become our yearly tradition.  Now, for those of you in the Midwest and in other parts, did you ever do anything like this?  I know we sure didn’t at the Odell house in Kansas.  Our new year’s meal was a 7 layer taco dip and weenies wrapped in bacon.  I don’t know of any money or good luck that was brought my way after grubbing on that and watching football all day; just a good case of the farts.  (smile).

 

Anywhoo, this is just to get the creative juices flowing again….thanks for coming back and reading- more fun to come in 2013 I promise.

 

Hugs,

Mel