You know if I am blogging, it’s something funnier than whale
shit that I can’t make up and I have to document for proof. Plus, Fredly was there (as was Caytee and
Jonathan), so I have witnesses.
Ok…here goes:
So, long day at the office for both of us- I’m not cooking,
so you know what that means: EL RANCHERO!
Favorite Mexican Restaurant this side of Decatur (little Georgia
humor). So, you know us- early to rise,
early to bed, so its 5:30- time for dinner!
We always sit in the bar and talk to our favorite bartender, “Ricky”- (now I
know. it’s really not his name, but we roll with it). We are having a pitcher of Mic Ultra and some
cheese dip w/ jalapenos, catching up with each other and unwinding, when
BAM! In walks and wheels in our new
BFFs. Holy shit, its Thelma and Louise
(found out later in the evening their names are Michelle and Wanda). Well Wanda “aka Wonderful Wanda” and “Towanda”
when she is drunk- yes, she told us this…is this sweet ol woman in a wheelchair
with her oxygen tank, electric cigarette and decked out in her Christmas
sweater and a Whiskey Street leather jacket (yes, get your visual…) and her
very nice sidekick Michelle. Well Wanda
doesn’t party in her wheelchair. She
puts that baby in park and jumps up right in the seat next to Fredly. “Is this a real bar?” she says. Ricky shakes his head yes.”Well then get me a
Southern Comfort and a splash of diet coke”.
What a woman! Fred and I give
each other smirks. This is gonna get
REAL. J Well, Wonderful Wanda and Michelle order
food and we say hello to them…but at the other end of the bar, we have the
following train wrecks:
§
Stripper girl with her boyfriend of 5 years
(found out she’s 22..you do the math) and he doesn’t have a job and she’s
bitchin at him that he’s never had a job while they slam pitcher after pitcher
of bud light and smoking menthols outside like they are crack. I didn’t catch her “rack”…but Fredly informed
me they were large. Hmm…guess that’s why
every time she got up from the bar to smoke all the male wait staff ended up in
the bar watching her walk outside. Lord.
§
Drunk lady and her boyfriend who yells “HELL
YEAH! GO OHIO STATE” every 5
minutes. What the hell? Well, that stirs up the jobless, toothless,
bud light drinking “stud” to yell “GO MICHIGAN STATE”. Again…what the hell? I wanted to yell “GO BIG RED” just to shut
them up, but for some reason good judgment was still on my side. (Fredly was thankful for that too.)
§
Drunk tall redneck guy who is in between
Michelle and the stripper who tries to jump into the melee and Wonderful Wanda
leans forward with her Southern Comfort and says, “Just keep your big ass trap
shut. I’m trying to hear why this dirt
bag doesn’t have a job”. Yep, she was
ear hustling on all the conversations at the bar, as was I.
I know I am leaving stuff out…I am trying to type this as
fast as I can so I don’t forget what I just witnessed. Damn, if I didn’t have to give a big
presentation for work tomorrow, I would be right there with Wonderful Wanda
probably doing a shot. But she ended up
leaving before us to go to Brucey’s across the street to watch her friend in
bowling league. (I know. I can’t make
this up).
Back to the story….so we are eating and Wonderful Wanda ran
out of chips. She starts whistling and
yelling “CHIPS! CHIPS DAMMIT!” Well, there was no wait staff to be found,
so I reached over with my basket of chips and dumped some into her basket. That was all it took. We are now besties for life. So much that she gave me her taco and
leftover cheese dip to take home.
(Bless her heart). What was more
important was Ricky needed to tend to her as her Southern Comfort had run
dry. This woman needs a drink! I wish I could remember everything that came
out of this woman’s mouth. She had
Fredly and I crying. Absolutely
hilarious!
She slams her second Southern Comfort with a splash and next
thing I know, she’s literally jumping off her bar stool back in to her
wheelchair. Oh no, was the fun
over? Was she leaving? Nope.
“I gotta go take a piss”, as she announces to the bar. Well, normally that is Fredly’s sign that
it’s time for the check and to get the heck out of there. Hell to the no! We order another ½ pitcher (I have a
presentation tomorrow, remember...) because I want to see where this circus it
taking us. And now you won’t believe the
next story.
All of these stories could be turned into a sitcom…just
saying.
So now, Wonderful Wanda’s friend Michelle has warmed up to
us and has scooted over next to Fred.
“So how did you two meet?” So of
course, Fredly shares our romantic story…”Aw….that’s so sweet”. (Such a
southern response”.) BUT…we were NOT prepared for what story came next. “You want to know how I met my first
husband?” Oh, you know me: “Yes, please tell us”, I exclaim!
Buckle in… (And again…I cannot make this shit up):
In Michelle’s raspy
Marlboro smoking voice:
“Well, when I was younger…I was in jail (yep...started out
just like that) and there was this beautiful woman in the holding cell with me
and all she did was cry day and night. (Hold up…if it’s a holding cell, how the
hell long were you in jail)- Note: Found
out later in the story her boyfriend had cocaine in the house and the cops
raided the house and arrested her... Back to the story: Anyway, the beautiful woman had three kids
and she never had enough phone time to be able to talk to all three kids. So I would sign the phone log for her so she
could talk to her kids. So…finally she
got out of jail and it ends up that one of three kids that the crying lady was
talking to waited until Michelle was set free.
They ended up dating and getting married. WTF?
WOW.
Well 20 minutes later, I ask where Wonderful Wanda is. Did she fall in to the toilet? Michelle reassured us that it takes her a bit
to pee. So back comes Wanda and she’s
ready to go to Brucey’s. “Hey, gimme
your phone number”, she yells at me.
What was I to do? Say no? I want to see her again. As we found out we thought we were partying
with an 80 year old woman in a wheelchair.
Find out- she’s 66! OMG! Well, regardless, we exchanged numbers and I
will be waiting impatiently by my cell phone (not) for Wonderful Wanda to ring
me up and party next week at El Ranchero.
Until next time—you are never too old to party. My hero, Wonderful Wanda.
Man! Wish I didn't have to work tomorrow.
