Annie Get Yer Gun

What a weekend!  Yes, I know, I haven't blogged in a while.  Sorry for that.  But, man I've been crazy busy!  From work, to working out, eating healthy, looking for a gun....whoa, what?  Yes, that last piece is correct. (heh, heh, I said "piece")  I have been gun shopping and I'm proud to say I am an owner of a Smith and Wesson Bodyguard 380.  So several folks have asked me "why are you buying a gun?"  Well, we have had several break-ins in the neighborhood over the past year, a recent murder in the subdivision a mile away and then the home invasion that made National news a few weeks back where the woman was in the attic and ended up shooting the robber in the face while her husband was on the phone with 911 was also a few miles away.  Since I am working from home now 3 days a week, Fred and I felt I needed a little more protection than a 5 iron.  (smile). Plus, when I go on long rides on my Harley with my girlfriend Christy, Fred wants me to have this on me for protection as well. 

But, let me tell you, getting a gun was CRAY-ZEE!  Gun shops all over Atlanta are BARE!  Everyone is buying everything they can get their hands on.  We went into a shop last week, just to look and do a bit of research and this lady in front of us walked up to the counter and said, "I like this pink one; I'll take it!"  WTH?   The same thing happened this Saturday.  Well, let me back up.  Fred and I were totally stoked and rednecked out on Saturday- we were going to our first GUN SHOW!  I had on my flannel and boots ready to rock it.  Hell, I really looked like I was headed to an Indigo Girls concert, but what the hell.  Well, no sooner did we get in the parking lot, but turn right back around.  It was almost 1500 people deep just to get in the FRONT DOOR!  Are you kidding me?  Just for a frickin gun show?  This is how crazy it is.  So, hmmmm....if everyone in Gwinnett County is here, why not go to a gun shop?  Well, off we went to a gun store where Fred had found the "perfect gun" for me.  No sooner did we walk in the door and a couple asked for the BodyGuard 380, but she cocked it, looked at and said "I'll take it!".  Holy shit balls!  Are you fricking kidding me?  (Note: several other swear words came out of my mouth, but I will save you the censorship).  Unbelievable!!!  So we were "0-fer" for the day at it wasn't even 11:00am.

This didn't deter the Fredmaster.  He called every gun shop from here to Columbus. And low and behold, Shooters in Columbus just got a shipment of the 380's in and he had 10 of them.  Well, that was all we needed- an excuse to see the Grandkids and get a couple guns- we hope.  And we hope is just the thing; Columbus is two hours from our house.  From the time we left our driveway to the parking lot of Shooters, they frickin sold 6 OF THEM!!!   I would have been SO PISSED.   Fred said later if they would have sold out after driving down, he would have bought another gun and then pistol-whipped the shit of the sales guy that wouldn't take our credit card over the phone to hold them for us.  Thank goodness, Mr. Short Fuse didn't have to go Ex-Marine on them. 

Well, this is just the beginning of owning a firearm.  Today, on MY DAY OFF, Fred got me up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the Gwinnett Co Courthouse to get my conceal license.  I was not a happy camper, but oh well, nothing a pair of sweat pants and ball cap wouldn't cover up.  Well, NOT SO FAST.  I didn't know that they had to TAKE YOUR PICTURE!  Great.  I have bed head and now the entire probate court has to see my crazy ass hair.  Note pictures below- it was quite the site- I looked like a cross between Nick Nolte and Randy Travis' mugshots.  And I think the whole line heard me say "Dammit, Fred!  I have hat head for my photo opt".  Glad I can be humor for everyone in Gwinnett County.  Well after an hour for paperwork and fingerprints, it will be 60-90 days before I get my conceal license.  I overhead one of the gals "behind the bars" say they have processed over 1500 licenses in January alone.  WOW.  Well, make it 1501.  This bitch is packin heat!!!


(See pictures below....)

  What I felt like I looked like for my photo opt












What I really looked like- Ugh.






Thank GOD I didn't look like this.  But how badass would that be??  (smile)

Zumba, Zumba, Zumba

(No pictures this edition to protect the innocent and keep my mad Zumba skills on the down low……)

Let me start by saying, I love Zumba!!  Who would have thunk it?  I have one of the best teachers around!  She works your ass off- she has some mad Zumba skills; if you don’t leave the class in a bucket of sweat, you aren’t working.

 

But….what I won’t do is go early ever again.  Lord have mercy!  The only reason I went early is that Lenae’s classes get packed with the “New Years Resolutioners”.  I am accustomed to “my spot” on the gym floor.  So, I wanted to be sure I put my water and towel down on the floor to mark my territory.   Well low and behold, I got my spot (victory!) but I noticed this lady out of the corner of my eye looking at me.  Oh no, no, no!  Don’t open your mouth- before I could even talk myself out if I had already blurted out “Hi there” to the gal.   That was all it took.  She was coming over to me.  Shit.  Great.  Where were my gals that are my Zumba pals?  They are always here by now and are great buffers; plus they are fun to talk to.  I don’t even know this gal.  Sigh……here it comes.  “Did you go to the Bowl game?”  HUH?   Oh yeah, duh.  I had my Nebraska/Georgia Bowl Shirt on.  So I reply, “No, just got the $9.00 shirt at Sams”.  There maybe that will shut her up.  Nope.  Plus I was dumb enough to say I went to Nebraska.  That opened the flood gates.  So I had to hear from Chatty Cathy about her life story of living in Ohio and how she has to go back frequently to care for her Mother with dementia and her Father who is hard of hearing.  I thought about making the comparison that I have a dog with dementia, but I don’t think she would have got my humor.  HA!!!  (Jennifer, Grace and Gwen, you HAVE to get back to class, stat!)

 

Thanks goodness the clock struck 7:30 and time to get my groove on.  Gotta grab a swig of water and a stick of gum.  Oh no, balls!  I forgot I packed my crap gum that lasts 5 minutes.  How is this going to get me through an hour of “moving like Jagger?”  LOL. 

 

We were about 20 minutes into class and I notice there are several elderly people walking around the outskirts of our class.  This Zumba class is in a church gymnasium, so there must have been a bible study class that is happening at the same time.  While I was doing my hot zumba gyrating, I noticed this old dude (had to have been 80+) walking as close to the wall away from us as he could.  But that little devil, he was trying not to look, but you know he was watching my ass shake.  It took all the powers that be in me not to go over there and shimmy up against him!!  Oh man, would that have been a HOOT!  But, if he would have dropped dead from a boner, that wouldn’t have been very cool. (smile)

 

Anyhoo, class rocked out and I sweated away cleanse protein shakes and farted out garlic and hummus gases from lunch earlier in the day. What a way to get it out of the system anonymously. Those poor women behind me.  That’s one of the other many reasons of why  I love Zumba class- the music is so loud, you could fart the Star Spangled Banner and no one would hear ya!!!

Alright, enough on my Zumba class.  Happy TGIF to you all!  Until the next edition.......

Who Turned The Heat Up and Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me???

Ok....whose idea was it to turn up the frickin heat on my run today at lunch and no one told me?? 

(lookie here to the left....)

This dumb ass should have looked at the temperature before heading out in her running tights, fleece and stocking hat.  Duh!
Needless to say, I sweat my boobies off today on Day 2 of "Couch to 5K".  Um, note to self: no need to wear all this gear when its 61 DEGREES OUT!!!  Good lord.  If I didn't look goofy running already I am sure I looked crazy truckin down Rosebud. For my running track, I do an "out" and back "in" route to my car, so I considered shedding clothes and the STOCKING HAT (nerd)...but then I got to thinking "I don't want to cause a traffic jam stripping all this hotness off"  HA!  I didn't want to make it "rain down on Rosebud" with all the dollar bills being thrown my way(again, um not) from the drivers by. 



Then, to make matters worse 1) my gum pooped out on me and 2) my new skull candy earbuds aren't cutting it.  Let's break it down first with my cheap ass gum.  I guess that's what I get for buying a 3 pack at Dollar Tree.  I thought "what a deal!".  My favorite gum for a buck!!  Well, it's probably an expired pack from 2004 because that's what it tasted like.  Hell, it didn't even get me midway of my run.  And then the bad thing is, I didn't want to spit it out.  I needed something to pass the time with tunes I can barely hear in my ears.  My gum was so lame, the pic to the left shows the pathetic bubble I got of the last bit of my bubble gum.  Now my earbuds are another story- well, maybe it's the "CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP" of my heavy feet on the pavement- I'm going with the earbuds as the problem, not the user (smile).  I had a major jam going on my mix today: Fine Young Cannibals, Dokken (yes, I typed Dokken), Pink and Cake to name a few.  What pissed me off, was during my jog stretches, it was "in CLOMP, my CLOMP, dreams..CLOMP".  Holy balls- at the least I could attempt to get with the beat with my hooves, but NOOOO....so that was a total distraction. 

Welp, isn't this a fine pic?????  This a goober head that had a stocking hat on during a heat wave...now, a couple things here; a) I need a frickin HAIRCUT!!! b) See those beads of sweat?  Well, they are actually droplets of vodka that have been in my system since New Year's Eve. c) Don't be deceived by the Southeast Cross County shirt.  I wear that to make people do a double-take.  ("Did that woman really run cross country??")  Let me answer that for you- HELL TO THE NO.  I stole that shirt out of lost and found from Lincoln Southeast HS back in 1999.  You know that t-shirt that feels so good, you hate to throw it away?  Yep, it's this one for me.  Plus I love wearing it to the gym  to soak in all the crazy looks. 

Check this pic out!!  This is my post workout lunch:  Quinoa with sweet potatoes, arugula and parm cheese.  You know, not bad.  It's hard to put a finger on what it tasted like.  I know for a fact it isn't going to fly with Fredly.  I'm going to totally have to disguise it in a casserole or something.  I'd eat it again- so BAM!    Tonight I made a low fat Italian Wedding Soup with turkey meatballs.  It was delishousness!!  Hell, I'm turning in to quite the Betty Crocker.

All in all, not a bad day.  I'm down 3 pounds, day 7 of the cleanse and I'm still smiling.  Now tomorrow goes to 4 shakes and one meal for three days.  Lord help us all- but bonus for you all- that's when the blogs get REALLY GOOD-- until the next post- Later!



I need a Pintervention.........

Yes, both of these pins came from Pinterest.  Yes, I pin a lot. Yes, I probably need a "Pintervention". (don't we all??) But, I do use a lot of the pins- especially now with "healthapocalypse" 2013 and I'm on day 7 of my cleanse.  This past weekend I turned my kitchen into a "test kitchen".  I made:

*http://www.gimmesomeoven.com/cranberry-pistachio-energy-bites/  - Healthy Energy Bites
*http://www.fitandglutenfree.com/2012/12/gluten-free-crock-pot-chicken-piccata.html- Crock Pot Chicken Piccata
(both are delish and give em 2 double chins up!)

And now I'm going to try this thang call Quinoa.  Buckle up, Fredly.  We are going rogue with food!!

With the madness of pinning, it was also a distraction to my workout on Sunday.  Maybe I was just procrastinating. I made the decision that I would restart the "couch to 5k" workouts on my cleanse.  If you recall, I did run my first ever 5K last June.  I survived, but man, I won't lie, it was tough. Yes, I won my age group, yes, I ran a PR, but that's just it: I am too competitive with myself. So much that I didn't jog again until I forced myself to get on a treadmill this past Fall. I kept waiting for the running bug to bite me in the ass, but the little bitch never showed up.  The only thing that bit me was the pizza, wings and beer bug.  And let me tell you, that bug is AWESOME to hang with!

So back to Sunday.  I had every excuse in the book not to get out and get my running workout in. If it wasn't my obsession with pinning, it was the weather wasn't warm enough outside.  Then it was the decision of what outfit to wear.  Now THAT, my friends was really the issue; how was I going to fit my ass into my running tights?  Well, the temp got above 50, so I got myself off the cozy couch, pulled my workout gear out of my cedar chest and BAM! the ass fit into the tights! Mission accomplished! So I put the rest of the gear on and of course, the final test....the husband comments.  "Fred, do I look fat in these tights?"  "Will I scare little kids that are driving by in minivans?" "Will I scare other joggers off the course?"  I love that he just rolls his eyes.  It didn't matter how I looked, I know that he wouldn't let me out of the house if I looked hideous.  (hell, maybe he was scoping out my backside on the way out of the house; if he was, I gave it a little shake just in case when I headed out to the garage).

Off to Bay Creek Middle School.  The great thing is that we live by a school where there is a long, straight and flat road (to be nameless for those in Grayson, GA area- don't want you catching a glimpse of greatness going down the road- HA- not!) with good sidewalks that is about a 5K distance.  So for workouts building up to a 5K, it's great!  Well, I completed the workout with success! Holla!  But, back to the first picture above.  That's totally how I felt.  When I was out there jogging, I felt like I was Super Jogger Mel out there; but really, I probably looked like the second picture.  But hey, I got out there and I'm going to stick to it.   Off to Zumba tonight- and you know how my mad dancing skills are.  (smile)  So watch out to all the ladies, young and old tonight. This gal is ready to get her groove on.  Until the next blog.........

Friday Mornings Are Not Supposed To Be This Stressful

Seriously!!  What the hell was I thinking!!!  Why did I schedule BOTH Bogey and Reba (note photo above documenting the chaos in the car going to the groomer- don't hate on the driver with no make up on :-)) for grooming appointments at the SAME TIME????  My lord.  Just getting them in the car was nuts.  For Reba to successfully get in any vehicle, she has to get a running start to jump in the car.  Well, the car was in the garage, so she couldn't get her running start.  So she just stood there, looking at the back seat.  So I picked her back end up and got her in the car.  One down, one to go.  (not so fast....)  Now it was time to get Ol Man Bogey into the back seat.  Well, he can't jump in the car anymore, so I have to pick him up and put him in the back seat.  Lifting 72 pounds of dead weight and bad hips (both Bogey and me) isn't what I had planned for this morning.  And, to add to the craziness, as soon as I opened the back door to the Camry, Reba jumped out. Shit.  Yes, there were several swear words going on in the Fahrenbruch garage.  I sure hope all the little kiddos at my neighbor's day care across the street were safely in the house because this woman was swearing like a sailor!  Finally, I got both crackheads in the backseat.  Then I hear this baby HOWL at the backdoor.  It's Morgan.  He's pissed because he wants to go too.  Well, after poopgate last night, I sure as hell wasn't going to leave him home alone.  So I picked him up and plopped him in the front seat and away we went.

(Here are the three amigos finally in the car)

I will reiterate again....what in the wackoland of hell was I thinking?  I had to look like the crazy lady with three dogs going down the highway (mind you....in AM rush hour traffic).  I am SURE I got some looks.  All I could think of was I must have looked like a clown car and the music of "Afro Circus" from Madagascar 3 was ringing in my head. 










(Reba...get your frickin nose outta my EAR!)





(Sweet ol' Bogey.  He loves to ride in the car.  Hell, he probably doesn't even know he's in the car)







(And...here's the captain of this crazy ship cruisin down the road.  Morgie LOVES to ride in the car, especially in the front seat on my leg)
















So I finally get to groomer and I can see the gals in the window laughing at me.  I have dog heads sticking out of the windows and there is a line of frozen drool down the side of the Camry where Reba went crazy.  Lawd....what a hot mess.  So then the trick is to get each dog out one by one so they don't run away.  Well, Reba still thinks she is at the race track, so any door that opens she busts right through.  This morning was no different.  The trick is to crack the door, and stick your arm in and grab her leash.  Well, she must have been excited for her "beautification day" because she didn't give me a chance to grab her leash.  Holy balls.  Thank Goodness I have my Holiday thunder thighs still, because I had her head squeezed between my thighs until I grabbed her leash. Thank the lord I finally got her inside the groomers- and I was in serious need of a lint brush!  Then I remember: holy shit- I left the keys in the ignition!!  What if that little bugger Morgan hits the lock button on the driver side door.  So I sprint out to the car and sure enough, he was on standing on the door handle but thank GOODNESS he didn't lock the door.  Wouldn't Fred have LOVED a call from me this AM to come bring a spare set of keys because I have two dogs locked in the Camry in the groomers parking lot.  So I get Bogey out of the car and as we are heading to the front door of the groomers, he pops a squat- right there on the sidewalk.  Wonderful.  And of course the groomer gals are rolling at this point.  So I get him in the door and one of them already has the poop bag ready for me.  BUT...get this; I have to take the poop bag home with me.  They won't take it!  WTH?  I was tempted to give it a whirl, but instead I put the smelly ass bag in the trunk.  OH CRAP!  It's still in there! (best be gettin that and putting in the trash, stat).  (smile).   Thank goodness the pickup and ride home was uneventful. I think this is enough excitement for a Friday for me.  Happy Weekend All!!! 

Morgan Did A Dookie

Really?  Really?   I am gone for one hour to go workout and you take a dump on the floor?   Little Morgie……..

I will spare you all the actual picture of the pile of dingleberries the little guy left on the floor.

 

Two hours earlier, Fred and I were JUST laughing about this picture on Facebook this afternoon when I got home and how much he looks like Morgan.  Didn’t know that this pic was going to come to life- and in such a short time.

 

And it wasn’t like he was home alone for 8 hours today and had no accidents- but I’m gone for one stinking hour and my house become the shit palace.   And…it didn’t help that he just loves on me like nothing happened…. PLUS…Fred was upstairs playing his bass guitar when this poopfest occurred- was Morgan mad because he couldn’t sing backup with him?

 

Just the night before he got up in the middle of the night and barfed up pieces of a squeaky ball I got at PetSmart last week for him.   The shopvac has become a staple in the house for cleaning up the carpet.  

 

Thank God Tomorrow’s Friday.

Southern New Year’s Day Traditions, Cleansing and Detoxifying for 2013

Greetings y’all!!  I feel like I am at confessional, and I’m not even Catholic- It’s been 8 months and 24 days since my last blog post.   Thank you to each of you (you know who you are) who have been encouraging me to get back to writing.  Welp, here I am!!   

 

First, let’s get up to date on everything:

§         Still have Sjogrens (bummer- but doing well; meds work; joints still hurt, but still kickin it)

§         Same job and lovin it

§         Still have three dogs (sort of)

o       Bogey is going on 13, but doesn’t know where he is (Doggie Dementia) or what the hell he is barking at.  Poor guy.  He’s on more meds than I am for my Sjogrens. PLUS he’s on human Prozac!  Poor guy.  He wears a ThunderShirt (thank you Kim Lane) even when it’s sunny out b/c of his anxiety.  Pants like a whore in church and paces the house all night.  Lord help us with this one….

o       Reba is now the Evander Holyfield of Greyhounds.  Thanks to crazy dog mentioned above, Reba was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got a chunk of her ear bit off.  That was quite a scene.  Looked like an excerpt from Dexter in our house.  Needless to say, I am still finding blood strewn all over the walls.

o       Morgan.  Morgie is still a little bundle of cuteness - just a little more of him now.  We both got a scolding from our vet last week b/c he is 3 pounds overweight.  In mini dachshund talk that’s like I need to sign him up for the Biggest Loser.  So all the dogs are pissed b/c they are now on healthy weight dog food that must taste like ass.  Sorry gang, no more Ol’ Roy.

 

§         Since Morgie is a little chunky I decided I needed to do my yearly cleanse too (cause I got a little chunky myself over the Holidays).  So starting today, I am at it with my shakes, back to my exercise regimen and all that nonsense that goes with it.  My body is in a little caffeine shock today and I really want a Christmas cookie.   I threw all the junk out yesterday and Fred almost tackled me at the trash can to save his graham cracker squares.  He thinks he isn’t going through this with me.  Well guess what?  He is.  Not the shakes, but the healthy eating that goes along with it- and I hope we stick with it after the 28 days.  The holiday season kicked my ass.  I was an eating and drinking fool.  Time to suck it up and get back on the healthy eating fitness track. 

§         The Huskers still lost their bowl game yesterday.  I am licking my wounds today.  I guess my Georgia residency didn’t get revoked and we are still living in the land of Bulldogs.  I’m getting quite the harassment from friends and neighbors- that’s ok.  Still a Husker, always a HUSKER.  GBR!

 

Now that we are up to speed, I can get to more interesting things.  Yesterday was the annual New Year’s dinner at our neighbor’s house.  She cooks the whole sha-bang:  Pork tenderloin, collard greens (eating these in the South brings you money in 2013), black eyed peas (brings you good luck), Mac and cheese (just brings you a fat ass in 2013) and all the rest of the delicious Southern trimmings.  This meal has become our yearly tradition.  Now, for those of you in the Midwest and in other parts, did you ever do anything like this?  I know we sure didn’t at the Odell house in Kansas.  Our new year’s meal was a 7 layer taco dip and weenies wrapped in bacon.  I don’t know of any money or good luck that was brought my way after grubbing on that and watching football all day; just a good case of the farts.  (smile).

 

Anywhoo, this is just to get the creative juices flowing again….thanks for coming back and reading- more fun to come in 2013 I promise.

 

Hugs,

Mel