“The 12 Days of Destruction”- Morgan Style

(This is sung to the song, “The 12 Days of Christmas”)

I have been trying to figure out the best way to describe what Morgan has done over the past year. (And I am not making any of this up!) So sad, that I wish I was this creative to make this up, but alas, Morgan is proud to say, he has done it all. Yes, I am just as guilty as the “enabling parent”, so I thought I would put it in an enjoyable song for you to sing along to. I’m not good at Haiku’s or any of that other technical writing BS, so tune up your singin pipes and enjoy my version of the “holiday season” favorite. Enjoy! (Especially you, Bill!!) :o)

On the first day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
A chewed up window pane.

On the second day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the third day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the fourth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the fifth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the sixth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the seventh day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the eighth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the ninth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Nine holes in the backyard, eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the tenth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Ten bite marks on the dining room chair, nine holes in the backyard, eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the eleventh day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Eleven attempts at humping the neighbor’s dog, ten bite marks on the dining room chair, nine holes in the backyard, eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

On the twelfth day of destruction, my Morgan gave to me:
Twelve destroyed squeaky toys, eleven attempts at humping the neighbor’s dog, ten bite marks on the dining room chair, nine holes in the backyard, eight puncture holes in the irrigation system, seven inches of missing carpet, six chunks of missing crown molding,
FIVE PILES OF SHIT
Four chewed pairs of shoes, three destroyed lenses, two chewed up remotes, and a chewed up window pane.

Wow- it looks worse on paper. But you know what- he’s curled up right now in my lap and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Sigh. It’s tough love, but it’s a good love.

The Masjogren's Chronicles? Nah....not feelin it....

That's what my pal Carmen suggested I rename my blog. Gee thanks, buddy. Yeah, it doesn't have a "hook ya" title....thanks for the offer though. But she's right; I may have to rename my blog- once again. Sigh. It's funny- since my post last night, I have had several questions posed to me and also some very shocked looks at work too-- so I thought I would share a few as well as another funny story that was in my memory vault and somewhat goes with this whole new diagnosis thing....just stick with me; I'll save it til the end. And if you don't like the story, tough crap- you're going to finish reading my entry anyway because you love me, right? Or at least I hope you do. Any whoo... on with the random thoughts and questions from yesterday and today:

Someone asked what my treatment would be/and if I've been on the wrong meds for the past 7 months?
Answer: For now, luckily, the treatment will be the same- for now. It may change come the "official" diagnosis in January. Also, if my old wack-a-doodle doc got anything right, it was the meds prescription. What she was prescribing me for lupus is the same meds for Sjogren's- so "whew" on that.

Are you going to rename your new Doc?
Answer: You know...I got some good ones last night- (Dr. McHottie, Dr. Hottie, McLovin, Dr. Eye Candy)....I think when I go back in January, I'll hit him with a Top 10 ist and see which name he prefers... LOL

-When I told my best bud Rebekah about this whole issue with the new diagnosis, she came back with "it's like you have been white your entire life and then you find out your black." OMG. Classic! I about pee'd myself right there in my office. (you have to know Rebekah-- she is off the charts hilarious! That's my home girl! Luv ya RB!! But it also reminded me of the time when I was at a party at the Mill Dam (goin back to my high school Kansas days here...)and they had a big bon fire going. Little did I know, they were burning tires on the fire. Needless to say, the next morning, I woke up to amazement that I was covered in black tire suet. (that's what I get for partaking in adult beverages in HS and not showering off the evidence when I got home past curfew- LOL- sorry Mom)

Dammit. I'm off track again...that WASN'T the story--- it's comin...(and you are gonna want to hear this one, I hope. Back to inquires...

-This whole new diagnosis thing got me back on the workout train (choo choo). I went and worked out over my lunch. But... there was the funniest thing that I observed in the big mirror today while I was on my treadmill doing my jog- Over my left shoulder, this crack head dude had his eyes closed while he was pedaling on his elliptical machine. Is this a new thing? Meditating on a workout machine? Not that I was wishing for this...ok I was....I wanted him to either a) fall asleep and fall off b) someone come up behind him and scare the shit out of him and fall off or c)everyone leave the workout area, turn the lights out and see if the doofus noticed. (these are the crazy things I think about to pass the time on the treadmill)

Ok, I can't wait any longer...the story.

Now, I know that my CDC buds are going to be dying to know who this person is that I am referring to in this story....so come on down to my office tomorrow and I'll fill ya in. :0)

So a few years ago, I was walking into the CDC offices with another good friend and colleague that I used to ride vanpool with. (Yeah, that's another story in itself- yes, I used to ride a vanpool, and I had the nickname "vanpool whore" because a dude had to quit riding our van because his wife didn't like him talking about the "young" women that rode the van when he got home, ie: Me. I think there were some "trust" issues with that marriage...) Back to the story... so Wanda and I were walking into the building and there was one of our other colleagues talking to the security guard. We exchanged hello's and then she jumped on the elevator with us. So I made a comment that I really liked her glasses. Welp, I shouldn't have done that. Instead of just saying "thank you" she starts in: "Well, you know the reason I am wearing my glasses-"- Um, no stupid- but I bet you are going to tell us aren't ya? "well, last night I had wild sex with my boyfriend and my eyes were so dried out that I couldn't even THINK about putting my contacts in this AM. So that's why I am wearing my glasses." No she didn't. Holy shit. I looked at Wanda and she looked at me. Can this elevator hurry the hell up and get to the 4th floor?

So, the running joke with Wanda and me (still to this day), is that whenever I wear glasses to work, she spouts off and says, "wild night, eh?" Blahahaha! BUT..... dammit! The main symptom of Sjogrens is dry eyes-- so guess what Wanda? Let your mind wander- I'm going to be wearing my glasses a lot more in 2011! (either that, or Fred will have a big smile on his face- bam!) I know you guys were thinkin it, so I wrote it! Get yer heads out of the gutter- and Mom, you can stop reading my blog if you want. LOL (smile)

OH, but WAIT! I don't have 3 pair of my glasses that I could even wear right now! Yep, that blog entry is coming soon. That's why Morgan is in deep doo doo. Two weeks ago, he ate my Prada, Dolce and Gabbana AND my Ralph Lauren designer glasses. Yep. So I am now wearing (only at night)- my circa 1989 kickin glasses- I don't even know if they are the right prescription. But never fear, thanks to Clark Howard's website, I ordered two pair of glasses for 21 bucks- that even included shipping! (can't wait to see these). My new vision insurance doesn't kick in until January 1, so I needed something.... sigh. So anyway, dry eyes and all, if you are ever wearing glasses and I smirk at you, now you know why- it's because my eyes are dry and I am trying to focus. LOL

Hugs and talk to everyone again soon!!

MIA and a new Diagnosis- Are you kidding me?

Hello my friends! My apologies up front; sorry I have been MIA. Haven't been feeling too well, plus I have had dog- ie: Morgan issues. He has pissed me off to the point where I was on an Atlanta miniature dachshund adoption website last week. Yes, I still have Morgan, but the little piss of crap is on double secret probation. (more on that in a blog entry later this week). I've got better fish to fry and to blog about than my insane dog. Are you sitting down? (God, I hope you are if you are reading this blog)- I don't have lupus. Yes, don't adjust your dial and go ahead re-read that previous sentence. I DON'T HAVE LUPUS. But.....BUT....I do have Sjogren's Syndrome (hell I can't even spell this..., but it's pronounced Show-gren), but not lupus. I think. My Doctor thinks. WHAT THE HELL? My head is absolutely spinning. The only Sjogren's I know are the Shogren's that are from Fall River. And, BTW... Russ Shogren, I had the BIGGEST crush on your when I was in grade school. There, I said it. Hottie patottie alert. (God, I hope he doesn't read my blog.) Anyway, back to my news: Should I be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels? I dunno. Still dunno. I wasn't prepared for this news at ALL today. No wonder I can't cry and my eyes are dry- it's because I have Sjogrens (the mucous membranes and moisture-secreting glands of your eyes and mouth are usually affected first — resulting in decreased production of tears and saliva- plus fatigue and joint pain- super duper! Can't wait for this to play out...)

Welp, here's how this all went down: (and this all happened before 10:00 AM EST today. Shit. I barely had a cup of coffee down and I am trying to digest the latest on my medical journey.)

Today was my appointment with my new rheumotologist, Dr. Sutej. (pronounced sue-tesh...like john-tesh) LOL. I had barely plunked my ass in a waiting room chair and started playing my damn dirty bird game on my Droid when they called me back (not to go off on a tangit, but you have to play this game- hilarious AND addictive). Ok...back to my story. Wow! Already a vast improvement from my "other" crackhead doctor and having to wait an hour to get in.

So I get my height, weight, blood pressure taken and I'm good to go. Then a knock at the door and in walks Dr. Sutej. Bonus: He has a South African accent and he's some mighty fine eye candy. So far, so good. (Sorry Fred, but he is, he really is.) Dr. Sutej had me at hello. So, off he went on all his medical questions. It was like playing Jeopardy- except he knew all the answers and I was the really dumb one that shouldn't be on the show. What felt like an hour of Q and A (and by the way...he's a smart ass! I love it- he would flip me crap and I would flip it right back- and he has only known me for 30 minutes.) Anywhoo, after the final round of Jeopardy, he says to me while tossing me the paper gown, "Here ya go, time for you to get into your Dior gown." WHAT? (and really I said, "WHAT?") and he says, "it's time for your examination." I look at him with a crazed look... "What do you mean?" I said. "What part don't you understand?", he says. "Strip it down to your undergarments and I'll be back in a flash". Really? OMG. I just remembered. I don't have matching "undergarments" on today. They aren't even my favorite ones....shit. He's absolutely going to laugh his ass off if he has to take a look at the bra and pantie ensemble I put together today. I had no idea I was going to be "examined" today. I was sweating like a 2 peckered goat. By the time he came back, my palms were sweaty (as well as everything else)- beautiful. So he came back in and his first question was "didn't your other Doctor examine you?". I responded, "no, not like this." He was furious. He went on that he tells all his med students that study under him that if they don't give a patient a gown and do a full examination, then you have basically failed your examination of the patient. I like how he thinks. I am very impressed with Dr. Sutej. So, on with the examination...... asks a few more questions, prods and pricks at my joints, looks in my mouth and then he says, "OK you can get dressed- be back in 2 minutes." So I rush to put my clothes on, and sure enough he was back in less than two minutes. "Are you at least decent so I can come in?"- I love this guy! Too funny- I was still putting my socks on, so I said "sure, come on i--"- I couldn't finish the sentence and he plopped his butt back in his chair. Now, what if I wasn't finished dressing? I don't think it would have mattered to him. So, he looks right at me and says the following:
-You have dry eyes? (yes)
-You have a dry mouth? (yes- would love to say I have a potty mouth, but he's being serious, so I say yes)
-Joint pain? (yes)
-Inflammation in the joints? (yes)
-Fatigue (yes)

There's another symptom that goes along with Sjogrens, but for my males readers, I will save us all the embarrassment and not list it. (PLUS...I don't have it, so rest assured- seriously, I don't- so don't frickin ask me the next time you see me- LOL) Whew! (you can google "symptoms" later and you will understand why I didn't list it.)

Dr. Sutej is not going to officially diagnosis me until I go back in January. He wants to run his own blood work, plus I love what he told me. "Scientist Lady, (this was his smart ass name he came up for me since I work at the CDC), I am not going to diagnosis you today. But what I will say is that you do not have lupus. That was a cop out diagnosis. You have a high probability that you have lupus's cousin (lupus has a cousin?) Sjogren's Syndrome. But.... I want to run every test I can because I have not done my job until I can comfortably and 100% tell you what you have." I love his honesty. But then he says a smart ass comment which was great: "You know, I am not House- (for those of you that watch House, which I do...I totally related to this one)- I don't sleep with my Boss and then come up with some zaney diagnosis to save your life and run 5,000 tests on you to find out what you have."

He does know that it is a chronic disease. And it's auto-immune. He just wants to be sure. Well, I want him to be sure too, dammit. I can't keep changing my blog title. LOL

More to come....until then, study up on Sjogren's like I am tonight, have a dirty martini and welcome me back to blogging. I have a lot to say, so buckle up. (smile)