Day 5- There is a God- A BREAD God!!

As described in the Holy Scripture Verse: "Take also unto thee WHEAT and BARLEY and BEANS and LENTILS and MILLET and SPELT, and put them into one vessel, and make bread of it..." Ezekiel 4:9. Now, I'm not that spiritual (don't remember this verse from Sunday School as a kid), but I am NOW!! I can eat BREAD!! You have no idea. A friend of mine at work has a dietitian and she recommended Ezekiel bread to her to help keep her carbs to a minimal. So we were both in a meeting yesterday and of course she was eating in front of me (same friend with the cake from an earlier post) and suggested I try a teenie tiny sliver. We were reading the ingredients (as noted above) and they are all on my "can eat" list. And it's a PROTEIN and not a CARB- Holy crap balls! So I took the sliver and it was like a heavenly communion. All I needed was a big swig of Merlot to wash it down. I felt I needed to kneel and do a confession with her right there in the conference room- but I immediately put that in the pass hole and rolled my chair back to the meeting room table. :) Devine! Where can I find this jewel they call Ezekiel Bread? I was on the hunt!!! I was on the prowl like deer in rut season. (it's a Kansas reference). My first stop- my local redneck Kroger. (Kroger is a chain of grocery stores in the South)- Nope. Shit. So I went up the road to my neighborhood Publix (another Southern grocery store)- JACKPOT! There I was in the freezer section looking at this loaf of bread like it was the Hope Diamond. Drool was building in my saliva glands. I almost went to my knees and began praying- but I snapped out of it quickly- I remembered I was in Publix and a lady with her grocery cart almost hit me on her way to getting her big box of garlic texas toast. "You go right ahead lady in get that garlic bread- someday you may have a chronic disease and you will be on the hunt for the Great Ezekiel!" (I said this in my head, not out loud). So I opened the freezer door and snatched up that loaf like it was the last one on the planet. As I was grabbing the precious square bag of bliss, something caught my eye- the price of prized jewel- $4.99. $4.99??? Are you kidding me? This is what I have to pay to satisfy my hunger for something of substance during this cleanse? Normally, I would have been digging in my purse for a coupon, but I didn't debate with myself for long. Into my basket it went and to the checkout stand with a big smile on my face! You would have thought I bought a large Tony's pizza with extra cheese, but no, it was the Golden Loaf. Now I don't know what the hell millet or spelt is, but when it touched my lips for lunch this afternoon, I didn't care if it was made of dog poop. It was the best piece of bread I have ever had. Yep, I am losing it.

So I will leave you with a verse from John 6:35- I am the bread of life. Enough said. (and no I didn't go looking for this in my bible- Google is an amazing thing). Happy Weekend!
La revedere- (Romanian for good-bye)

Day 4- The "Oxygen and Cardboard" Cleanse

That's what a friend of mine referred to my cleanse as today. "Hey Mel, how's your Oxygen and Cardboard cleanse goin?" Pretty clever. She should be a stand-up comedian (inside joke). LOL. OK.... Day 4- Wow! Isn't this over yet? So, I started counting the number of commercials last night during Idol and Modern Family- I had to stop because there was a food or drink commerical every break. No wonder Americans are fatties! (self included). I am so screwed with watching TV the next 23 days. Maybe I will do exercises during commercials- naw, that's too much work, plus I will get sweaty before bed and have to take a shower which will wake me up. Hmmm..... (Mel's self talk to self: "Hey dumbass, why don't you not watch TV at all?" Good call self talk- but it ain't gonna happen.) I can give up yummy food and beverages for this lupus thing, but I sure as hell am NOT giving up my TV time. It's sweeps month for goodness sake!

Plus... I had to up the ante today to two yellow puke pink lemonade-flavored cleanse shakes today. I almost gagged one up this afternoon. Morgan, our little minature dachshund, just sat there and watched me gag. I wonder what he was thinking? "Is Mom going to blow chunks?" Thanks Morgan for the support. One of these scrumptious shakes is OK, but two?? Oh my friends...it gets better. The number of shakes I have to drink are increasing each day of the cleanse. Check this out:
Today and tomorrow: Two shakes a day- ok, ok, I can do this. I am woman...hear me roar!
Day 6 & 8: Three shakes a day- um, excuse me?
Day 9 thru 11: Four shakes a day- WTF??
oh, but wait for it.....wait for it....
Day 12 thru (yes thru) 14: FIVE SHAKES A DAY and NO FOOD- what did I sign up for?
Day 15 thru 28: back to one shake a day

Ok, for those of you that know me (why am I writing that? you are reading this post because you know me...duh!) I am from Kansas. I grew up a meat and potato girl. I don't think I have missed a meal in my life. If I did, I was in bed with the flu or in bed with a hangover (sorry Mom). What am I going to do on days 12 and 14 with 5 icky ass smelling pink lemonade shakes looking me in the eye and I have to ingest them into my tummy? I almost cried when I read this. So I called the Doctor this afternoon to clarify. Yep, only shakes on those days 12-14. Crap balls to the moon! AND....to top it off, they fall on a weekend!!!! Great. Home with a refrigerator. Fredly, bar the door. Man, I wonder if I can take some of my back medication to knock me out for half of the weekend? No, of course not, I have to drink those bile-looking gritty shakes. "They make you full", my doctor says. Screw that. A Big Mac and a super size fry makes me full. A "Hook and Ladder" Firehouse Sub fully engulfed makes me full. BEER makes me full!!!!! Oh man. For those of you checking the calendar to see if you have anything scheduled with me during that time it's going to fall on May 7-9th. Thank goodness it doesn't fall on Cinco de Mayo that's May 5th- wait! NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! What was I thinking? Cinco de Mayo falls during the cleanse- to clarify one of my 4 shakes a day cleanse days. Sigh. How am I going to survive without my cheese dip with jalapenos, my yummy cheese enchilada and beef tostada and of course CERVEZA! Ei yi yi. Great planning on my part.
Well, at least I have my cardboard and oxygen to fall back on. :) Have a great evening! Adios!

Day 3- Houston, We May Have a Problem....

I yelled at our food processor today. Yep. Went postal on it. Why? I have no idea. Well, I have an idea. I WAS HUNGRY!!! Working from home may not be such a good thing during this cleanse. Everything is accessible- the salt water taffy I bought in San Francisco last week that I didn't throw out (I thought Fred was going to hide it, but it's right there in plane sight in the nambe' candy bowl. (Yes I am using nambe' for a candy bowl- it was a wedding gift from marriage #1- what do I care?) LOL. There's also the teddy grahams I found in the pantry. I have kept my distance from the little guys. Teddy and Co., you better make a run for it or hop in Fred's work bag or you're toast. Today is turning into a tough day if you haven't noticed from my TONE. :) I woke up trying to think what would taste good today and satisfy my cravings- I tried brushing my teeth longer and using more toothpaste; my daily intake of pills- hey Mr. Vitamin C, maybe you will taste like a Florida ripe orange this AM. Nope. How about my allegra? Nope, still tasted like an icky pill. What about my plaquinil? Would it turn into a Hershey's kiss? Nope. And, while I am on the topic of Hershey's, daytime TV is a killer to watch! You've got Rascal Flatts making smores at 11:00 am (asses) and then Jamie Pressley going on and on about a Zaxby's milkshake at noon (bitch)- she says "now don't you want to get on down to Zaxby's and have a yummy chocolate milkshake?" Hell yes, I do! But right now I want to punch your lights out for tempting me. And of course Subway has all KINDS of subs for me to try! Grrrr....
But, back to the food processor. Food processor, I am sorry for calling you a piece of crap (and other slang words that I will keep out of the blog today; trying to limit myself to 3 a day) and throwing a pie pan at you. You did a great job making my hummus. I am sure that the Food Network could press charges against me for some kitchen law of violating my food processor. Which by the way, I can't watch the Food Network for 26 more days either. I think I am stuck with ESPN and MSNBC. Who is going to tell me who wins Idol tonight? There were food commericals all OVER the place last night. I finally started going to pee every time a commercial came on. I think tonight I am going to count the number of food commercials that come on during Idol and my FAVORITE TV show, Modern Family.
Well, off to start making my turkey chili for dinner this evening.
Please keep all utensils out of my reach- I think my food processor has a restraining order on me .

26 days to go!!! My how time flies- not. And no, I won't be joining the Facebook group, "Yes I am Southern and need a sweet tea to survive"- Until June.

Thanks for reading and talk to everyone tomorrow! Addio! (That's good-bye in Italian). I think I will say good-bye in a different language to close out my next 26 blogs-- ooooooooh :)

Day 2- What's that SMELL????

Hey there,
Well it's Day 2 of 28 and no one got hurt yesterday. :) Fred and the dogs are still hanging around, so I guess I haven't bit anyone's head off yet.

So...my nose is in hyper-sensitive mode. A couple scenarios from today:

1. They need to ban cake from work! For those of you that know me, I am in love with white cake with white butter cream frosting- you know...the wedding cake flavor! OMG! I could roll around in butter cream frosting right now. If I was a dude, I would have a "woody" right now just talking about cake- Hell, my favorite band is CAKE. (Yes, I have issues). So what do I walk into today? Yep, a white birthday cake that's sitting on one of my best friend's desk. Crap. I have a meeting with her- is she going to move the cake? She knows I am on the cleanse-- she will, I know she will- NOPE. Instead, I open up the lid and stick my nose right inside the box and get a good whiff- Heaven! She feels really bad (and I guess is now a super super friend b/c she isn't enticing me, right?) but at the same time we both laugh because my BFF is just like me- in love with cake! Oh well, so I take one last whiff- oh the smell of butter and cream and it looks so moist... will power please kick in! It does- I gently say good-bye to my friend the "birthday cake" and my other friend (LOL) and go back to my office. BUT.....what happens next? About an hour later, I need to run down to my friends office b/c I need to ask her a question- what do I walk into???? THE BIRTHDAY PARTY and the EATING OF MY CAKE(I mean Kymber's cake). I have never seen 6 women stop eating cake so fast and their guilty eyes looking at me. The "oh no's"...start coming out of their mouths- not I'm sorry. I even hear a "get away!"- I think that was support coming from another friend and colleague--- but, I have to give them credit- did they offer me a piece of divine white birthday cake? No. I just sighed, packed up my work bag and went home. The lingering smell of that cake was still in nose leaving the building...so, I get in my car and open my sunroof on the drive home-- so does scenario #2

2. Dammit Burger King!! OK, so now I can't even drive home with my sunroof open. The wind must have been blowing perfectly into my sunroof. So I am at a main intersection in metropolis ATL, and this gust of wind and smell of Whoppers grilling at BK slam into my car- NOOOOO! I just got rid of the cake smell, now I am going to be tested with the smell of a greasy burger- holy crap balls! I am only on day 2 and I am looking at changing my route home- do you know how many fast food joints I pass to get home to good ol' Grayson? Too many! So I immediately close the sunroof and floor it home. It's like I am driving a getaway car I am driving so fast and focused on the road; not looking at the Golden Arches or Sonics I used to smile and wave as I drove by. So help me if the Cow from Chick-fil-a was out waving at cars today, I may have pulled in, kicked him in the balls and drove on home.

Geez...I can't wait for my salmon, baked potato and corn for dinner tonight. I wonder if they supersize?

More tomorrow friends! Peace!

Day One- What have I got myself into?

So.... here goes. My first blog. I really don't know what I am doing, but hey, this keeps me from eating a box of Thin Mint cookies that I was supposed to throw out.

For those of you that don't know, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus on March 16. I couldn't believe the diagnosis and that I have this chronic disease- no one in my family has/had it, I thought I lived a pretty healthy lifestyle, but shit happens. I'm not going to let this lupus thing get me down. My doctors suggested that I do a cleanse- hmmm...like Beyonce's 7 day Master Cleanse??- not so lucky! This cleanse is 28 DAYS! Yes, 28 DAYS of no cheese, bread, beer, wine, chocolate-- OMG! How am I going to do this? Well, this is why I decided to blog about this. Make this experience funny, make you all laugh in the process and also make you all feel good that you aren't doing a 28 DAY CLEANSE!!!

So far so good- I had my "cleanse shake" at 6:30 this AM- it's yellow and it looks like what Bogey pukes up after he eats too much (got that visual?)It wasn't bad; it's pink lemonade flavor, I guess. I didn't get much of the flavor. Then I moved on to a banana for a mid-AM snack and then a salad with chicken for lunch. Dinner will be a turkey patty with a sweet potato and corn. I guess there won't be a Harley ride to DQ tonight- balls! I can't wait to watch my Monday shows on TV; I am going to count how many food commericals I see and will report back with the results-

Thanks for reading and stay tuned! I plan to write an entry every afternoon for the next now 27 days- feel free to kick me any suggestions you want me to "blog" about- I won't go into the "what happens to my poop" during this cleanse, (unless I get enough votes from my homies) LOL- Chao and Hugs, Mel